#1
I wrote a few songs, basically all about my girlfriend breaking up with me, and me realizing she wasnt quite worthy of the pedestal I put her on.
Here's one of em, basically a reggae/rock tune, if you've ever heard the band 'Ballyhoo!', they sorta inspired this song.

Suggestions? I've only written about 12 songs in my life, so I'm still new.
Thanks!

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At first it seemed, the times, they were so good.

But the more I think about it, you never treated me like you should.

Like a fool, I sat there at your feet.

I built you up in my mind, and there you were so sweet.

I think about the good times - yeah, we had some fun...

But lately the bad times seemed to overrun.

Heartbroken, I sit here all alone.

Cause now you're gone...

I should feel relieved, but instead I feel so numb.

If I was so great, how could you leave me? Are you that dumb?

I lost myself trying to find you

I miss you, but I dont want you

I loved you, but i dont need you

Now I remember, the good times were so few,

That being the case, I'm still in love with you.

I wish this feeling would finally subside.

I got no place to run and hide.

I lost myself trying to find you

I miss you, but I dont want you

I loved you, but i dont need you

Now you're gone...

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Needs some structuring, and a bit of work, but thats how my stuff comes out - a bit raw
Last edited by overdrivend at Jan 14, 2009,
#2
not sure why, but i read this in my head to the beat of "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz
hope your not offended. It did actually sound pretty good to that beat.

i like the tune a lot, and you really put the reader/listener into the mood.
only thing i dint like was the rhyme scheme in places. That gets better over time, but it wasnt too bad.
8/10 over all i'd say

you could check out mine if you like.
Its called Dear Penthouse Forum
its not as awful as it sounds
Last edited by gratefulduck at Jan 9, 2009,
#5
I think its good but i also think it rhymes to much. its hard to tell without hearing it, but definitely structure it. I thought the last part was the best also,

thanks for the crit though.