#1
ok this is something i wrote last night its not even a complete song yet tell me what you think and be brutally honest and tell me what to do to make it better.

paul bunion
sat on my house and ate him an onion
and to this day i still dont know why
he left the place a sty

i begged & i pleaded 4 him to go away
but he flicked me down the block and decided to stay
he picked up a tree & brushed his teeth
then he stepped off the house with me underneith

on the phone pole he hung up his sox
then he took off on his big blue ox
to wisconsin to maine
the noise was a pain

so let me know what ya think
Quote by L2112Lif
I put a ton of my capital into SW Airlines... The next day, THE NEXT DAY these nutters fly into the WTC. What the hell? Apparently no one wanted to fly anymore, and I was like "What gives? God damnit Osama, let me win a fuggin' game!"
#2
What?
Gear List

Guitars
PRS SE Tremonti
Ltd Mh-100qmnt
Peavey Rotor ex
Crafter Acoustic

Amps
Bugera 333
Bugera 412h

Effects
Marshall Shredmaster
Line 6 MM4
Line 6 DL4
Ibanez Weeping Demon
Dan Electro Fish'n'chips
Ibanez LU-10
#3
Don't use 4 when you write the word 'for'
Don't use the word sox when you clearly mean socks
Don't show these lyrics to anyone.
#5
step 1: scrap this song
step 2: never think of paul bunion again
step 3: wash the shame of of you
step 4: pick up another hobby

GUITARS CURRENTLY USED
Ibanez RG7621
Ibanez RG121
ESP LTD H-400
#6
also learn rhythm cuz that had none

GUITARS CURRENTLY USED
Ibanez RG7621
Ibanez RG121
ESP LTD H-400
#7
Think, is this what Kurt Cobain would write?
Save a trip to the RT!
Quote by blake1221
If there's anything to take away from this thread, anything at all, it's to always cup the balls.


Top trolling abilities.

Quote by caeser1156
God dammit you had me 10/10
#8
Quote by guitarmaniac88
Think, is this what Kurt Cobain would write?



no its not but im also not kurt im tryin to get into song writing and i was loaded when wrote it guess i should start writing when im not high
Quote by L2112Lif
I put a ton of my capital into SW Airlines... The next day, THE NEXT DAY these nutters fly into the WTC. What the hell? Apparently no one wanted to fly anymore, and I was like "What gives? God damnit Osama, let me win a fuggin' game!"
#9
Quote by IRISH_PUNK13
ok this is something i wrote last night its not even a complete song yet tell me what you think and be brutally honest
I clicked on this hoping to find a clever little piece about a giant with sore toes.

Imagine my disappointment to find that Bunyan was perverted to Bunion just for the similarity to Onion. They rhyme anyway. Why bother to make it look stupid?


Quote by IRISH_PUNK13
and tell me what to do to make it better.
No thanks. Outside of the first two lines, this gets progressively worse. Forced rhymes, not much more. And Paul would not ride Babe. She she's a hauler, and his companion. Not transportation.

This isn't worth the effort. Maybe you are, though. Have you critted other peoples work?
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#10
I've reported this thread, due to rude (although correct) replies, which can be righted if this piece was reposted with the writer paying attention to that fact that presentation has a GIANT impact on how people see a piece.
#11
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
I clicked on this hoping to find a clever little piece about a giant with sore toes.

Imagine my disappointment to find that Bunyan was perverted to Bunion just for the similarity to Onion. They rhyme anyway. Why bother to make it look stupid?


No thanks. Outside of the first two lines, this gets progressively worse. Forced rhymes, not much more. And Paul would not ride Babe. She she's a hauler, and his companion. Not transportation.

This isn't worth the effort. Maybe you are, though. Have you critted other peoples work?


i didnt spell it wrong in perpose i seriously didnt know how to spell it and no i havent critted any thing thanx 4 yer input though
Quote by L2112Lif
I put a ton of my capital into SW Airlines... The next day, THE NEXT DAY these nutters fly into the WTC. What the hell? Apparently no one wanted to fly anymore, and I was like "What gives? God damnit Osama, let me win a fuggin' game!"
#13
Quote by Demarkos
im sorry, i think i may be blind...



is that an insult and i may have 4got to say this but this is just a rough idea 4 what i wanna write so any thing to help me turn it into a descent song
Quote by L2112Lif
I put a ton of my capital into SW Airlines... The next day, THE NEXT DAY these nutters fly into the WTC. What the hell? Apparently no one wanted to fly anymore, and I was like "What gives? God damnit Osama, let me win a fuggin' game!"
#14
Quote by IRISH_PUNK13
is that an insult and i may have 4got to say this but this is just a rough idea 4 what i wanna write so any thing to help me turn it into a descent song

dude, if you are SERIOUS about wanting help, get a clue .

No one is likely to be willing to help you with a piece this rough,
unless you put some effort into giving them some feedback on their shiz.

Go post crits, not just comment on other peoples threads.

Go tell them the parts you like about it ... and why.

Go tell them the parts you don't like about it ... and why.

Go!


Don't bother posting on this thread again, until you get real crits and comments.
You only get to post a few times on your own thread, then it gets closed.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.