#1
hey i wrote this in five mins please rate and get back to me

I don't like the future

EDIT

The mysteries solved and the books are shut
A million glass eyes burn into the back of your head
The stars are not gods but balls of gas and the alter is made of plastic

Instead of music you now have sound and it’s never sounded hollower
The art you love is bought and sold and displayed on the side of the underground walls
Is knowledge free or knows freedom
You’re shown the way to the other side
And you’ve found it easier to escape to shallow shores

A coffin clay crumbles and blows as dust in the rich sunlight
Nothing is new or exciting and everything has been discovered
Polished and pretty instead of dirty and exciting
When the world was flat you could write a story

i edited it, im not sure i really like it but it's all about learning and the process
I like to leave the teabag in

Shave The Hairy Pineapple

Irish. No, the real kind of Irish

I LOVE BEING ALIVE!!
Last edited by torque352 at Jan 10, 2009,
#2
pretty good man

is this the start of a song or are you just writing a short one?
Quote by fleajr_1412
You have amazing taste in men.


Are You a PROG-HEAD? I am.
#3
nah this is the start, i put it up so i wouldnt forget about it, cheers
I like to leave the teabag in

Shave The Hairy Pineapple

Irish. No, the real kind of Irish

I LOVE BEING ALIVE!!
#4
not bad.
just on first glance, i would change line 1 of stanza 3, you use "sound twice"... just grates on me. Also, get rid of the swear. it seems unnecessary and breaks up the piece. Next, you repeat "plastic" twice in the second stanza, try to find a synonym.
finally, MISSPELLINGS!!! these detract from the piece more than anything. Just run it thru a spellchecker and get things right, it would make this piece much better.
Overall, I like your idea. It's not used in lyrics much, and you have some interesting phrases there. I like line 2 of stanza 1 the best.
#5
The rhythm seems off to me... I don't really get what you're trying to go with on it because it's just all over the place. I mean it seems alright, it would work for a song, but you're going to have to really play with the rhythm a lot to get what you want in the end.

I'd try to tighten it up in the second verse, it just seems all over the place rhythm-wise. Try to make it flow better because after the second line it just has a drastic change and I don't know where you're going to go with that...

Anyways I like what kind of language and vocabulary you're using, it seems like it would work, you're just going to have to reformat it possibly. I'd love a crit on the piece in my sig if you had the time...