#1
Intro

Verse:
Frail with empathy
and I'm winning by default
please keep on talking
'till I let you down

Running out of time
out of bullets, can't reload
if I exploded
haven't heard a sound

Pseudo-chorus:
Can you ease my pain
can you ease my mind
seeing as I'd die
just to stay alive

Verse:
One-dimensional
my eruption, can't ignite
all that I am
just try to stick around

Full chorus:
Can you ease my pain
can you ease my mind
seeing as I'd die
just to stay alive

Wanna go insane
wishing I was blind
wanna pull the trigger
can't rewind

Bridge:
Worthless memories,
real-time delay
deserving death penalty
I know I'm sent away

Full chorus * X

Some time ago, I posted a song called Cry, Baby, Cry. With the (very good) critique I got on it, I found that I'd do better to just remake it. This is the result of that process. The original song is in my sig.

As always, c4c.

Also, as my sig says, please rip this song to pieces. I'm primarily posting here to become a better songwriter and a solid critique to the side of the head works better than anything.

Thanks in advance!
AlienFinger79
#2
I like this, clearly shows that your becoming a better writer

Just one thing: I occasionally get the feeling that taking an easy way out when it comes to rhyme. Ryhme should only be a tool, not some sort of strict guideline that forces you to write things down that don't feel naturally. Could just be me though, correct me if I'm wrong

Keep it up
#3
I read your the original one as well, and I do think this is an improvement on it. I agree with Equivalence and how the rhyming does seem a little forced, but hey I tend to do that too. If it does feel natural, leave it as it is. If not, change whatever you don't like about it.
#4
I agree completely - rhyming is only a tool to get a better flow in lyrics. I thought this piece needed that, and I'd love to hear where you think the rhyming is forced. I got some bad vibes from some of them - "'till I let you down" was one, as was "just try to stick around". I wouldn't mind changing them, but I'd like your opinion first.

Thanks a lot for the very prompt critique! Will crit you back.