#1
the music gets stranger,
as i dive like a dolphin
into this aquarium filled with
the trash and ecological damage
done by those who have not
touched my hand.

opera houses on the water,
back bay of boston.
near the same street corner
where no motivation stands.
just a few people hussling change
out of the un-used ashtrays
of a business man's company van.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#2
I prefer the first stanza to the second. Lines like "back bay of boston" and "where no motivation stands" just fell a bit short for me. But i'm being really picky.
#3
I feel the exact opposite actually. the second stanza did much more for me than the first. nice piece though. I wanted more urban imagery though and I think the Boston section could have been filled up more.
#5
Quote by freshtunes
the music gets stranger,
as i dive like a dolphin
into this aquarium filled with
the trash and ecological damage this line, im not sure about, it seems to Jar slightly
done by those who have not
touched my hand.
overall, really good stanza, the idea of diving interested me...again, just the 4th line that i'd alter


opera houses on the water,
back bay of boston.
near the same street corner
where no motivation stands.
just a few people hussling change
out of the un-used ashtrays
of a business man's company van.
i wouldnt change anything about the second stanza. For me, the change from Diving, to being in an urban setting, gives the impression that th water's too murky and dirty for you to want to be there, which adds nice effect.


Overall, really nice piece


unfortunately, i dont think ive got anything you can crit.... have a look though...o_O
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