#1
when I was a child,
I filled one of those
turtle-shaped plastic swimming pools
with dirt gathered
from the cemetery in my backyard.
I separated two islands with hosewater.
I scooped up an anthill
full of black ants
with a Dixie cup,
and poured them on one island;
then scooped up some red,
and left them on the other.
I had welts lining my palms
by the time I was done.

each day I'd watch expectantly
waiting for them to build their bases
and cross that six-inch ocean
to murder one another.
until momma noticed the welts,
dumped the pool into a creek,
and grounded me for a week.


I'd watch her sit on the porch swing
swaying back and forth
for an hour or two every night,
until she'd go back inside
and leave the porch light on.
I'd even joined her on the runway,
once or twice, until I noticed
when I looked up I never saw neither star nor plane.

they'd held hands in a gazebo
with vines entwined
up and around
the white picket lining.
pointing out the exact color
she'd like for the fence
in their front yard,
she pricked her finger
and punched him when he'd laughed.

I was the ringbearer, later that year,
when they found out they hadn't much time.
admiring the stars reflecting in the creek,
I dropped the ring in the dirt, and cried,
afraid I'd ruined it's shine.
she assured me it was alright,
it never could match his uniform.
he assured me it was alright,
it never could match her eyes.


beneath an overcast, foggy sky,
using a flashlight in lieu of the stars,
I pretended I was a warrior
and stood atop a tombstone pounding my chest.
it exploded into shrapnel
when I glanced past the white picket fence
and watched her walk inside
and turn out the porch lights.

somewhat ots reworking of an idea i've been tossing around. link please.
#3
the ant thing in the turtle pool. I'm pretty sure ive done that.

You really amaze me. This was beautiful.

"by the time I was done."
a little weak phrasing

"I'd even joined her on the runway,
once or twice, until I noticed
when I looked up I never saw neither star nor plane."
here too. the last line was a little awkwardly worded.

I think the italics worked well.

Really glad I got to read this. Great stuff.
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Park that car
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Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
I hope you will, Dylan! Thanks to you as well, Jimi, I agree with your criticisms and will probably make a couple quick edits when I'm done with work / school.
#5
really great job, and i was really able to visualize the things happening

once or twice, until I noticed
when I looked up I never saw neither star nor plane

for some reason i feel like it should be

once or twice, until I noticed
when I looked up I never saw
neither star nor plane

but thats just me.

and i was kinda hoping that the end would somehow wrap around to the ant hill story, like in a very direct, mentioned, way.
Yea that's right, I want something to explode

I've been deaf, now I want noise

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#6
Jimi spotted the few things that could of been reworked. This was very good. There are so many different ruits with this; it really adds so many dimensions. I'll be back to read this more.
#7
thanks a lot guys.

I somewhat agree with the ant hill comment, but I dunno how to really loop that back in without being more forward than I wanted to be with this.
#8
that was really nice, I like how the song grows up as you read it, starting off with childhood memories then moving on to a wedding, it's a good concept. I wouldn't change anything, please could you crit mine? Preferably Someone Else's Eyes, thanks
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God Dammit Woman
Get Back in the Kitchen