#1
i.
I feel you kick
at my chest
like a hungry child

when do we end
where do we begin
I hear you cry
I hear you speak

you say you began to sleep
when the snake was named
the snake.


ii.
I thought I was going to be in paradise
when the sun exploded,
under the hill of warm graves in heaven,

not waiting
in the corner of her apartment
my hands over my eyes
and hers down at her sides

not straddling the ledge
between providence and purgatory

not watching
shooting stars repossessing the sky
with her using my sleeve
to anchor her bones

not wondering
how they all get up there
and why they are in such a hurry
to fall


iii.
you knock against my ribs
like you aren’t attached to anything
and floating in my blood
biding time, biding time

I am envious
mr. Heart, of your
second chances, and
flight

you have my blessing when I die
no foolies, no jokesies
I want you to feel
life outside of a puzzle
we have pretended is coming together
since the first few deaths of Eve

a fireplace at the head of her bed asked me
if the world was getting warmer
I said,
always, always always


iiii.
I am envious
of every heart now reading this

who hasn’t questioned
why certain valves open
and certain valves shut
and certain ventricles break
and others rebuild

who doesn’t know
every terrible thing you’ve done
and every terrible thing you will do

before and after
everything else.
Last edited by #1 synth at Jan 12, 2009,
#2
this was intense. I need to read this a few more times before i comment properly though. THis needs to be absorbed.
#4
this is brilliant!! it kept changing but ended up forming a beautiful picture. this i one of the best things ive read in this forum and i dont think you should change a thing about it.

also the title is great
Emerse your soul in love


You used to be alright What happened?


Yellow tigers crouched in jungles in her Dark Eyes .
#5
I'm agreeing with most, its damn good and I will re-read! One thing that really bugged me though was the line "no foolies, no jokesies". For such a good bit of writing to have a line that sounds very childish threw me a bit.

Also, "we have pretended is coming together" seems a bit wordy, "We pretend is coming together" feels like it would fit better and the change of tense wouldn't have any detrimental effect.
#6
I love your voice.


EDIT: Scrap that, I don't. I don't idolize it, I respect it. Like I respect Led Zeppelin and Barack Obama, I'm not a particular fan, I wouldn't personally like to write like you do, but god dammit It's good.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Jan 12, 2009,
#7
intrested to hear this as a song
Singer/Songwriter/Guitarist/Bassit/Drummer/Screamer/Marocka Shaker/Flute Tamer/Bio Chemical Robot Lover/Holographic Charizard owner/ Industrial waste polutionier/Stoner
#9
I agree with the others that this was pretty powerful. I have several criticisms, so I'm going to come back to this one when I'm home from school and point them out for ya.
#10
who hasn’t questioned
why certain valves open
and certain valves shut


Again, something really golden that deserves a better overall piece.

You can't skip around into jokesies/etc, it throws the whole tone out the window and immiietely drags the reader out of the mood you've already embedded. If you want to put them in a piece, make sure the piece fits, here they drag you out of the piece and back into reality. Like when you watch an awesome film but there's a horribly placed cameo from some a-lister. It only works when you get Lando Calrissian into your film.

There's still the element of artsy-fartsyness about you that makes it read somewhat stale. But ya'int gonna change that about yourself - hence the stubborn comment in your last post or two

Again I just keep getting annoyed cos there's themes and ideas here, and some great choices (snake named snake,) and imagery (sleeves/bones), but it's all wrapped up in these (yes I'll still go on about this) these pretensions you still have, or maybe it's just your stylistic features, idk, but you know what i mean. Kinda puts me off heavily investing in you because I always laugh at these cliche-epic things (shooting stars, the first two stanzas) and, really, the ending was faux-clever, it was not sharp, just tries to look it.

Blah, I always say it on your pieces. You've most likely given up listening to me Dylan.

Sig if you wanna return.

Thanks for your time man.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jan 12, 2009,
#11
i.
I feel you kick
at my chest
like a hungry child

when do we end
where do we begin Why switch from when to where?
I hear you cry
I hear you speak

you say you began to sleep
when the snake was named
the snake.
The last two lines didn't mean much to me, but they may have some meaning to the song I haven't figured out. Anyways, if they're just there for the sake of being artsy and mysterious, I would replace them.

ii.
I thought I was going to be in paradise
when the sun exploded,
under the hill of warm graves in heaven,
Loved these three lines
not waiting
in the corner of her apartment
my hands over my eyes
and her's down at her sides
Liked the rhyme here too
not straddling the ledge
between providence and purgatory

not watching
shooting stars repossessing the sky
with her using my sleeve
to anchor her bones Very unusual image. Liked it.

not wondering
how they all get up there
and why they are in such a hurry
to fall


iii.
you knock against my ribs
like you aren’t attached to anything
and floating in my blood
biding time, biding time

I am envious
mr. Heart, of your
second chances, and
flight This last line was jarringly short.

you have my blessing when I die
no foolies, no jokesies Like others have said, I don't like this line
I want you to feel
life outside of a puzzle
we have pretended is coming together
since the first few deaths of Eve

a fireplace at the head of her bed asked me
if the world was getting warmer
I said,
always, always always Didn't need the third repetition imo


iiii.
I am envious
of every heart now reading this

who hasn’t questioned
why certain valves open
and certain valves shut
and certain ventricles break
and others rebuild
Liked this whole stanza
who doesn’t know
every terrible thing you’ve done
and every terrible thing you will do

before and after
everything else.


I'm not sure if I understood what you were talking about, but this is a piece I will definitely return to and look at until I get it. Until then, I dealt with the literary mechanics for the most part. Just because I'm a visual person, I enjoyed the lines with imagery the best, but most of the rest of it was excellent too.
C4C? (Broken Hippie in sig)
#12
jamie, you should continue to remind me of my pretensions, otherwise they'll probably never break. I don't know what i think about this piece. it was completely ots except for one small edit for spelling and a line break and will probably go through major revision (cutting of most of it).

thanks everyone else. I know the piece's meaning got more obscured the further I wrote it, and so I apoligize to you guys for that.

and thank you for your support