#1
If these walls could talk they'd tell a story
Of shattered hearts and broken dreams
A crooked path on the road to glory
Searching to find what all this means

Another day, another dawn
Another way to carry on
Troubled eyes have come and gone
Nothing left to mourne

If silence is golden
Why are these nights so dark?
There's nothing I can say
To cure a broken heart

Shattered pieces of fractured lives
Come together piece by piece
Teary faces left to dry
And restless minds set as ease

Another day, a sleepless night
Another battle left to fight
The moon's shine; an eerie light
The stars never shone so bright

If silence is golden
Why are these nights so dark?
There's nothing I can say
To cure a broken heart

That's what I have so far
I need another verse and I'm not too fond of the second verse either

Any suggestions/tips?
#2
how about for the secind verse changing whe word eyes to lives? [ alhough u just relised u mention '' lives later on, but it could still work] i think it fits in a bit better with whats been said in the verse
#3
I think the reason you feel uncomfortable with some of it is because it lacks a steady rhyme scheme. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but some people hate it when it doesn't rhyme the same way, though I personally enjoy that quite a bit. This is very well-written, and it seems like it's written from the heart, which is the most important thing. As long as you think what you write is what you need to write, then just do it no matter what. I hope that you are able to finish this and I would love to see said completed version.
#4
*i just realised, sorry for double post but i cant stand spelling errors, and i tend to make alot of em
#5
Quote by MetalMatt93
If these walls could talk they'd tell a story
Of shattered hearts and broken dreams
A crooked path on the road to glory
Searching to find what all this means


Every phrase in here is cliche, which makes it seem thoughtless or trite to someone paying attention to the lyrics


Another day, another dawn
Another way to carry on
Troubled eyes have come and gone
Nothing left to mourne

You carry on the balance of suffering and moving past it, but you also carry on the string of cliches.

If silence is golden
Why are these nights so dark?
There's nothing I can say
To cure a broken heart

What does gold have to do with dark? The two aren't contrasts, so the phrase doesn't make sense--again, two really common cliche phrases here.

Shattered pieces of fractured lives
Come together piece by piece
Teary faces left to dry
And restless minds set as ease

Theme remains consistant--you have a unified work here, it'd just be nice if you got down to some specific details to illustrate it instead of these statements that anyone would utter.

Another day, a sleepless night
Another battle left to fight
The moon's shine; an eerie light
The stars never shone so bright

Four rhymes at this point in a song can be great, but four incredibly hard rhymes in a row never do it for me personally--it's just too much.

If silence is golden
Why are these nights so dark?
There's nothing I can say
To cure a broken heart

That's what I have so far
I need another verse and I'm not too fond of the second verse either

Any suggestions/tips?


A neat and consistant idea of this kind of uneasy unclear suffering and the process of moving past it without necessarily overcoming it--and folks looking for some guilty indulgance about their own feelings can easily like that. I'll bluntly say I think the lyrics themselves are terrible. Almost every single line you write is an actual word for word cliche, and that can be fun sometimes, but it does not come off as clever or poinant here.

My advice--add something tongue and cheeky to let people know that your cliches are supposed to be cliches, or take out half of your lines and replace them with a specific story involving real characters doing specific things. You can show the exact same idea without using prepackaged phrases that are so commonly used that they don't actually mean anything. As it stands, it feels like you're using these phrases as a crutch, if you maintain the same idea and cohesion with new language around it, you'll have something very nice indeed.

If the words "broken heart" are in a song, there's about a 95% chance that it's going to suck.

Sorry I'm not more constructive, hopefully I've clearly said exactly what is working, and exactly what fails in my eyes. If you do find my commentary helpful at all please C4C one of the songs in my sig.
#6
Lol, I'll be totally honest.

It's cliche because it's not really from the heart tbh

I'm a happy kinda guy and I only wrote this because I wrote a guitar part that goes really well with a slow sad song.
Also I got bored.
Thanks anyway guys, lol.
#7
Quote by MetalMatt93
Lol, I'll be totally honest.

It's cliche because it's not really from the heart tbh

I'm a happy kinda guy and I only wrote this because I wrote a guitar part that goes really well with a slow sad song.
Also I got bored.
Thanks anyway guys, lol.


It's not a bad effort, I sincerely meant you could fix it up by adding a story to it or putting a slightly sardonic spin on it. Being removed a bit from it emotionally can actually help you in doing either of those things- and you could have a tight enough song for doing so.