#1
A little something I've just scribbled in a hung over state at work.
C4C

Choices
I'll give you four options
Sitting spinning on a compass
But its not magnetism that chooses
You can create new views

Random directions are calculated
Divided into simple highways
Adding to the complication of selection
Taking away your time to think

It’s harder than left or right
More than just mountains and valleys
Maybe you know which way to opt
I'll do the opposite to you

We could even meet up on the other side...
Last edited by Vazzza at Jan 12, 2009,
#2
it feels like it should have a fourth stanza

the third stanza is my favorite and i dont think you need to drasticly change anything although i think you should maybe elaborate a little on the line " random directions are calculated" i dont really understand it.

i know this crit kind of sucks, i havent been in this forum in months and i never was any good at crits but i hope it helped.
Emerse your soul in love


You used to be alright What happened?


Yellow tigers crouched in jungles in her Dark Eyes .
#3
Quote by Vazzza
A little something I've just scribbled in a hung over state at work.
C4C

Choices
I'll give you four options
Sitting spinning on a compass
But its not magnetism that chooses
You can create new views

The "but" of line 3 is too abrupt for me, you need a wee bit more set up before that shift. The break from 3 to 4 seems disjoint to me-how does one lead into the other? Too choppy

Random directions are calculated
Divided into simple highways
Adding to the complication of selection
Taking away your time to think

"random" has a stigma for me I would almost never use it, and it feels weak here, though that might be a personal thing. The math undertone can be fun, depending on how you spin it, but a lot of people have done the same thing before.

It’s harder than left or right
More than just mountains and valleys
Maybe you know which way to opt
I'll do the opposite to you

I like this verse/stanza best. The last two lines go together very well, best in the work. I think you could get more descript than "harder" but should leave the repitition of "than" in there.

We could even meet up on the other side...

Nice that it hangs off like that, but cut the ellipsis. You don't want to shove the open-endedness down everyone's throat.


You let magnetism drop, and I know you say that it's not what chooses, but you can let that imagery run through the whole thing. I don't feel like your math terms are as tight or as subtle as you want them to be, but they way you're trying to use them is inventive and enjoyable to read. By all means leave the same type of feeling at the end, though you may want to tighten it up with just a bit more detail. Looking forward to seeing a revision of this. Hope that helps.

Just pick anything from my sig if you're going to C4C
#4
First of all, thank you for the crit. I appreciate it. Secondly, i definitely think this piece would greatly benefit from punctuation. First stanza has an excellent flow. Second stanza, i really like the juxtapostion (i think) of "simple" and "complicated". But I'm not really feeling the fourth line. My brain wants it to rhyme with the 2nd line and the flow just rips up over there (at least for me). In the third stanza, the last line seems kind of short. An extra syllable would alleviate that problem. Also no sure about "opt". I think "go" would suffice. Anyways nice job, man and I hope to read more from you.

(I also made some changes to my piece, in case your interested)