#1
pop!

Photogenic

There’s a photo on my mantelpiece
of me and my family on the mountainside.
That much, at least, I mind but
that photo’s telling lies.

I’m on the tip, top of the rocks
tip-toeing through different walks of life.

I’m scared of heights, the wobble and drop
I’d never go up to the top of the rocks.

Her face is kept behind her short blonde whorls.
That much is fair, it was windy out, everyone’s hair was straggly and wild.

But her hair is brown, I found that out when I was 12,
In another photo from their kept past.

Half-truths exposed to light solidify.
It’s not till we delve we see
3d riddles rendered on my mantelpiece.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#2
There's really clunky phrasing that put me off this Stu.

"I'd never go up to the top of thr rocks" is a dead boring line.

"whorls" is possibly the ugliest word ever.

"that much, at least, i mind" is really awkward, doesn't really spell out anything.

"another photo from their kept past" is pretty much the same.

"half truths exposed to light soldify" just ugh, doesnt mean anything let alone sound nice.

Eh, this seemed like a little trip up I think. Nowhere near as exciting as when I last read you. This piece was unsure of itself and seemed written with little confidence in wording, style and presentation.

I'll look out for your next. I got something in my sig if you get bored and wanna read something.

Cheers bud.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jan 12, 2009,
#3
The only thing I disagree about is 'whorls' it's a great word. I shalt read your thing.

...i only wanted to lodge my love of the word whorls:

no one else comment on this, lol, it's pish.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#4
It flows with few speed bumps until 'kept past' and my tongue pretty much fell over itself at that point.

I do see the point you're trying to make with the top of the rocks and with the photos telling the stories you were never told - mantles are terrible like that - they preserve memories no one wants to remember, and tell stories no one really wants to hear, regardless of where truth resides. You've a great message here, just read it out loud a few times and you'll see where the hiccups are.