#1
A letter.

The cold weather breaks a couple
of hours here and there and it's fair now.
I've been wearing fingerless gloves
around the house and the dog
sends his regards.

The firewood you piled out back
Three years ago has rotted in the rain
--I don't really care but you were right--
I can pick it up with one hand now
but it doesn't burn well and has a foul smell.

I still haven't tuned the piano you would
hate it now. the octaves sound like springs
and if you play any e-flat loud enough it
makes the doorbell ring somehow.

I found half a novel in your desk drawer
Do you want it? I didn't read it yet because
I was worried you left it intentionally. Erin
and Chase are getting married in June
so I guess I win our bet.

Your last letter didn't make me angry
like you thought it would. Tell her
'hi' from me. As always,
Last edited by *Truly Ninja* at Jan 12, 2009,
#2
Sounds really good. Very different. Almost sounds like the recipient is dead but the sender is trying to convince himself/ herself that they aren't it's very well written
#3
this is good, but i have some issues with it, i'll full crit it when i get back from work.
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#4
I also have an issue or two, moreso with presentation than content, that I'll get to criticizing when I'm not waiting for class to start.

Definitely enjoyable, and definitely glad to be reading something from ya.
#5
After reading this again, I don't have any issues really, although I think you could improve this a lot by messing a little with the enjambment and making it have more or less emphasis in certain places, that would make the piece more interesting.

I think this writes a story, I love one sided letters in that sense, this writes a story and the imagery and description that it doesn't have impressed me, because what you said gave the perfect amount of information to develop personal backstory and description.

Kudos, Evan.
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#6
I agree with enjambment problems. Example: I still haven't tuned the piano you would/hate it now.

And I didn't like "foul smell" that description seemed too dry.

I really liked the first stanza. It was great. I especially like the part about the dog. Overall, the piece is very good.
#7
There syntax in this is slightly off putting; particularly with the opening sentence. And also is the case with one or two other lines. It's not drastic, but it doesn't help the reader involve himself in the story, theme or layout. It just reads like you were trying too hard to write in a way that wasn't quite standard. But it's also obvious that you weren't trying to do that with the rest of the poem. Which is a contradiction I am not fond of.

- "--I don't really care but you were right--
I can pick it up with one hand now
but it doesn't burn well and has a foul smell.
"
- I'm not entirely sure whether I like the way this was wrote. It's dirty, which is in perfect line with the words and imagery, but maybe it could of had the same impact without the odd structure?

The fourth stanza onwards was just beautiful. As soon as you said "Do you want it?", I was enthralled. When before, I was only interested because of the odd way you wrote this and was thus kind of compelled to see where you would take the piece; how you would bring this back down and tie it all together. Of course, you did it wonderfully.

As everyone has mentioned, the enjambement in the third verse drags the reader down. But maybe that was intentional and if it was, the reader can start to love and respect this even more. But, that's up to me to decide.

Digitally Clean