#1
crit4crit

I'm not afraid to spend my cash
On a box of fancy candy
I'm afraid you'll hate the taste
And spit it all back at me

I'm cutting out this heart for you
To write about the pain of love
But I'm afraid you'll throw it out
Since no one likes bad poems

I want to sing you a song
Right inside a public place
But I've held my breath so long
I fear I got no more to waste

But what I fear the most
Is that I'll never know
I'll never ever know
Just what it feels like
To finally be complete
And be called your valentine
Last edited by themarsvolta at Sep 3, 2009,
#3
I like it, it's almost 'creepy' in a sense. I think the phrase "I'm not afraid" is repeated too often, I love the last verse especially the repetition of "I'll never know" well done
please crit mine, it's called "I Don't Need You" thanks alot!
Last edited by lee 31392 at Jan 12, 2009,
#5
crit4crit

I'm not afraid to spend my cash
On fancy candy that costs too much
I'm afraid that you'll hate the taste
And just spit the sh1t all up

The flow is definitely forced here. I would count syllables if I were you. You got your idea across pretty well, but I just don't like the way you did it. The image that stays in my head is not one worth contemplating. Also, the 2 to 4 rhyme is not very good at all.

I'm not afraid to make a heart
And write how much you mean to me
I'm afraid you'll tear it up
'Cause no one likes bad poetry

I like this one better. I would get rid of the abbreviation "cause", but other than that, not bad at all. The self-deprecation here saves this piece from being too precious.

I'm not afraid to say I love you
But you won't hear a word I say
I'm afraid I've held my breath so long
That I've got no more to waste

Back to the problems of stanza one. The flow needs fixing. This can be done pretty easily, as well as fixing the bad rhyme. I do like the last two lines, I would keep them and change the first two.

But what I fear the most
Is that I'll never know
I'll never know
I'll never know
Just what it feels like
To finally be complete
And be called your valentine

Conceptually, not a bad ending. I liked how the repetition in the first three stanzas is resolved by this one, but I didn't like how it was implemented. The repeating phrase definitely feels unnecessary, and the last line is jarring because it doesn't rhyme.


Overall, not too bad. You didn't say much original, but none of it was particularly bad. Try to add more imagery for the reader to grab onto.
Also, take everything I say with a grain of salt. I'm tired and also not the most experienced critic, others might disagree with me.
C4C? "Broken Hippie" in sig
Last edited by Hesh at Jan 13, 2009,
#6
This is surprising. The only thing I can say is that this piece just begs to have proper capatilization.
It's really quirky, cultural, pretty, topical, emotional and real. Very good work.
#8
Quote by themarsvolta


I'm not afraid to spend my cash
On fancy candy that costs too much
I'm afraid that you'll hate the taste
And just spit the sh1t all up

As already said above, the flow of this stanza isn't great. The first 3 lines are fine, it's just the last line feels very out of place and doesn't fit the flow. I'm never a big fan of swearing in work like this but 'spit the sh1t' does actually sound nice, still though, I would scrap this line and rethink it.

I'm not afraid to make a heart
And write how much you mean to me
I'm afraid you'll tear it up
'Cause no one likes bad poetry

Good verse. I think the flow works well and I like the content. Again agree with the above post that 'cause' isn't great, but can easily be substituted with 'as' or something along those lines. not too sure about making a heart, its original but not entirely sure it makes a lot of sense. however, giving you heart is far too cliche so think what you've done works well.

I'm not afraid to say I love you
But you won't hear a word I say
I'm afraid I've held my breath so long
That I've got no more to waste

I'm not copying Hesh's crit but I almost totally agree again. The first 2 lines aren't very original and feel like they've been used many times before. However the last two lines I think are probably the best in the whole piece.

But what I fear the most
Is that I'll never know
I'll never know
I'll never know
Just what it feels like
To finally be complete
And be called your valentine

Nothing I can say about this. I really like it. And as for the last line not really fitting with the rest of the stanza, I don't mind this. I feel it gives it a strong ending. Maybe splitting it from the last stanza so it stands alone would make it have an even stronger impact and would resolve it not really flowing with the rest. And maybe you should lose one of the 'I'll never know' lines.



But yeah, like it a lot. Look forward to seeing a revised version! If you do have time to crit something of mine, any of the 2 in the sig will be fine.

Thanks!!
Last edited by Vazzza at Jan 14, 2009,
#9
Lacking what I would call your usual spark, this wa only purdy for me, nothing more, nothing less. Not quite the edginess or piece of mind you usually spread about.

But good to see the post, Broseph. But I'll be anticipating something more clinical. This failed to engage me quite as much as you usually do. See, you've set a pretty high standard in my eyes, lol. Can you cope with the pressure?

Aha. Have a good one.
#10
"none likes bad poems"

doesnt fit to me
I don't even shred