#1
The juggler's skill is obvious -
her delicate eggs
floating up from her hands
and back down for a kiss,
never knocking into each other
never swaying path,
simply mesmerized
by the way she watches them
each with astute care
each, individually
with glittered eye and
smile made for entertainment.

They orbit her, some dropped -
gravity is their demise.


ots, c4c, feeling pretty shitty about myself and needed to scribble something out. got this idea while washing my face.
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#2
Beautiful theme. It does seem very ots, like you mentioned. Maybe that adds to it. I'm coming back to this.
#3
this was so fragile and pretty i was afraid i break it by reading it too hard. very beautiful, almost like snapshot of this juggler. i was confused in line 7 as to whether you were mesmerized or the eggs were :$. The rest of it was excellent.

Edit: If you feel like that was worth returning, it's Widow Walk in sig
#4
I think this was a good exercise for you. I don't think it's anything great but it is great to see you going for something different like this.

last two lines weren't so great for me. You talk about her skill but say some fell. It just didn't connect very well if it was intentional.

I don't get much of an image or feeling from this. I'm not saying this is bad but it just seemed empty altogether. The descrition isn't terrible but it's a little lackluster. float, kiss, knock, sway, astute, glittered. There's a good effort here but I think you could work on fleshing out. These words don't get that much across on their own. They are descriptive to some extent but describing what? "She juggles sort of like this" is about as far as I got into this. This vague description was nice to read but I'm not gonna remember it, you know what I mean? The ending is almost good but it felt off for me. I don't mean to sound condescending. I just don't think you quite hit the nail on the head here.



if you get a chance a quick comment on https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1044895 would be nice.
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Last edited by jiminizzle at Jan 12, 2009,
#5
Saadia, I don't know if the comments you appended to this mean it isn't important to you, or that you're making excuses to not look critically at it, or if you tossing it up for us to wreck and see where that might lead. If you don't mind, I'll wreck it a bit.

I think I see the metaphor, the eggs are her people. We don't know if they are her friends, suitors, or her children. That doesn't really matter, does it.

It has an odd structure -
two sentences,
one in each stanza,
with greatly differing lengths.



The juggler's skill is obvious -
This stands on it's own,
but you choose to connect it -
elaborating on her skills in what follows.
This is a slightly masked way to avoid having one short plain statement followed by a long one. You combine them all into one. Another way, instead of masking it, would be to celebrate it. You could remove is and replace it with a comma. It becomes more staccato and resembles a phrase more than a sentence. End with a period and begin the next with a Cap. Maybe you can use this, idk.

her delicate eggs
floating up from her hands
Trivial point here. Having her appear twice weakens this ever so slightly.
Normally I would say drop the first one. But in this case I'm not so sure.

and back down for a kiss,
never knocking into each other
The line length and syllable count feel wrong here.
You could try to match this up more closely with what follows.
never colliding
or
never bumping
could work.

never swaying path,
simply mesmerized
by the way she watches them
each with astute care
each, individually
I hate the disparity caused by the comma placement in this line.
It's disruptive, and I believe unnecessary.

with glittered eye and
smile made for entertainment.

They orbit her, some dropped -
gravity is their demise.
This didn't feel right.
It's short, but not staccato.
And what little length there is, happens in the first line.
It doesn't resemble the opening at all except for ending the line with a hyphen.
Whether you inside out this by having a much longer string at the beginning of this stanza or chop it up into brief fragments, I think you can do something that feels more finished.
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#6
There is only one thing I feel I can say that may have relevance that other people may or may not of noticed: The whole thing is just one long, winding sentence, without strong discernible breaks to allow the reader to delve deeper into the material. I don't like to worry about how I'm reading the piece on the fourth read - which is what I'm doing now - and I'm forced to do that.
#7
I'm rewriting this and putting it up later. I like the idea but the more I read the poem itself the more I really dislike how it's written. Thank you for the crits everyone, they'll definitely come in handy.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja