#1

I slept under a sleeping tree in a sleeping town on a tired hill in the dying of a burnt-out rainstorm that had lasted for weeks. We'd just seen the stars for the first time since January- she could barely breathe, I could scarcely see. Driving her home that night, winding roads like twisted river beds back in autumn Virginia, leaves too deep to stand in. Four hours, twenty-four miles cause I didn't want to wake you up. Woke up, spent the day walking around the south side till dark. Old record store, friends debut flyers on the door. I could hear him breathing on the other side so I waited, flicking splinters at the wall. Didn't wait much longer. Glad I didn't care. The melt came early this year. The clouds trapped the heat of a 3 day spring-break preview. Ft. Lauderdale canals. Missing Route 41, signs for Estero Estero Estero, the bridge, Marco Island. Here the Ohio crawled up the sidewalks, socks wet, soaked, damp, dry. The socks you gave me as a joke last Christmas. And I miss it too- knowing that I just might make it and go with you. Hoping that you would come with me. Shady Side cafes but further away. Four hours, twenty-four miles. A hill, my house, a hill, yours. Looped around once to check if your car was there. Tried to think of something to say. Nothing. Not today.

Shut the door it started to rain, wouldn't have locked it either way.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#2
I really disliked the repetition of sleeping in the first line, but I'm a love/hate guy when it comes to that stuff.

The picture was interesting, though it didn't really affect my viewing of the piece.

Other than that, I thought it was written very well. It's not my favourite thing you've ever done, but it was still very solid in quality. I'm usually not a big fan of prose like things on here, so you should consider yourself lucky.

I'll be reading the next one,

#3
I really enjoyed this, tho i am slightly over the amazingly long names. But the piece was really enjoyable.
#4
Hm. I don't know. I'll come back to this later. Remind me if I forget.
Right now:
The picture is very interesting, and it's well written. I don't really know what to think of it though. The wordiness got in the way of the emotion it was supposed to convey, I think. I feel a little drowned. However, the piece is built off of the imagery, which is where the bulk of the poem lies, so I don't know. As long as you like it =]
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#5
yeah the picture was the original scribbling from 4 in the morning a while ago. Just found it and figured I'd fix it up.

This is probably one of my favorite things I've ever written

I guess it's pretty personal but I tried to do it in a relateable way. The florida stuff is probably pretty hard to connect with for other people though.

and the title does have a meaning.

Oh well. Thanks a lot guys. I really needed to post this.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#6
Nice enjoyable piece, I like all of it except the repetition of sleeping/ sleep well done otherwise. Crit4crit please see sig.
I defecate all over my clothes to get extra protected
Roses are Red
Violets are Bitchin
God Dammit Woman
Get Back in the Kitchen
#7
there's grammatical issues, sentence structure and such, but I felt they were done intentionally moreso than as a mistake or a lacking in the knowledge of English techniques. I do think, however, that especially when you're writing prose versus poetry, you should try to keep a better consistency and try to write using proper grammar.

besides that, despite that, I definitely enjoyed this quite a bit. very, very impressive.