#1
so this is a lyric I wrote for my screamo band, it's written after a melodi just so u know. Need some feedback on it C4C .

INTRO-------------------

Vers 1:
The beautiful girl next door,
bleeding deeply on the floor.
heart got smashed and ripped,
her angel-wings got clipped.
For that your going to hell,
there you will lonely dwell,
hope you die a painful way .

REFRAIN
seeping lies every day,
in my eyes I can see,
that your nothing without me,
but It won't go back to be

pre verse-----------------

Vers2
I wanted to kill you.
you wanted me away,
so now you lonely stay.
painting the world so gray.
we see it every day,
black is the color,
of the humanity.

REFRAIN
seeping lies every day,
in my eyes I can see,
that your nothing without me,
but It won't go back to be

SOLO-------------------

VERS2
Now your time has come,
you will be undone.
demolished you are now,
in the dirt you bow.
All hatred put to sleep,
Satan your soul will keep.
Satan your soul WILL KEEP

REFRAIN
seeping lies every day,
in my eyes I can see,
that your nothing without me,
but It won't go back to be
#2
well. it's okay i guess. imo i think that good lyrics and good music is the same. so if the music isn't good, the lyrics can't make up for it. record the ****, and let us hear it
#3
it's emo alright.
it's kinda beginnerish and stuff but in essence it isn't bad. I think you are trying to tell too much too literaly. You could try and find cool metaphors and imagery. And I strongly dissuade you from using those powerful verbs like Destroy, demolish, slashed, ripped, kill(overuse of) and things like that.

+ For screamo I'd make the sentences simpeler. Their kinda long and I suspect that they wont flow that well.
#4
Quote by Erlendhagen3
so this is a lyric I wrote for my screamo band, it's written after a melodi just so u know. Need some feedback on it C4C .

INTRO-------------------

Vers 1:
The beautiful girl next door,
bleeding deeply on the floor.
heart got smashed and ripped,
her angel-wings got clipped.
For that your going to hell,
there you will lonely dwell,
hope you die a painful way .

You don't "smash" a wing, bad verb there-replace it. All of the very hard rhymes in a row are killing me in tha aa, bb, cc, format, but you know what will sound good when you scream it.

REFRAIN
seeping lies every day,
in my eyes I can see,
that your nothing without me,
but It won't go back to be

(You're), what does "won't go back to be" mean? In my eyes, I can see is redundant and awkward. At least day is a really subtle rhyme with the other words--adds a little nuance to it.

pre verse-----------------

Vers2
I wanted to kill you.
you wanted me away,
so now you lonely stay.
painting the world so gray.
we see it every day,
black is the color,
of the humanity.

"now you lonely stay" is really unnatural diction. You're phrasing in an odd way to meet the meter--don't. instead say something else that gets the same effect across but already fits the meter. "world so gray" is pretty cliche (I can rhyme too!) why don't you come up with your own phrase there to put a nice personal spin on the song? Leave gray, so you can get your color theme going, but don't just call the world gray.


REFRAIN
seeping lies every day,
in my eyes I can see,
that your nothing without me,
but It won't go back to be

SOLO-------------------

VERS2
Now your time has come,
you will be undone.
demolished you are now,
in the dirt you bow.
All hatred put to sleep,
Satan your soul will keep.
Satan your soul WILL KEEP

Again "demolished you are now" is really unnatural sounding because you forced your words into fitting. INstead of doing that, think of some different words. I think Satan is a little over the top. What can replace "satan" with a lot of much more interesting people/ideas/things.

REFRAIN
seeping lies every day,
in my eyes I can see,
that your nothing without me,
but It won't go back to be



Really tight meter is good for honing songwriting skills, but the secret is to realize that the form generates content. It's not your job to force your ideas into the form, it's your job to find ideas that can fit into it. When this happens, your diction will become more natural, and your rhyming will be a little less heavy handed.

Give up some of the creative control from your preconceptions of the song, to the form in which you're writing and you'll make some much better work--start by looking at the unnatural/awkward phrases I pointed out, and look for more yourself. Hope that helps. If you C4C, just look in my sig, thanks.