#1
OK this is my first finished song so I would appreciate it if you guys could give me some constructive criticism or suggestions to improve the lyrics

Hey babe don't cry
I know it can be tough
And life can be rough
Just stay focus on who you are
Cause your never from from home
Although your a million miles from here
Don't ever give up
Cause I'll be where you need me

You can have all you want and
You'll want what you have
Just don't let go and
Hold on to tomorrow
So I will save you

You Can't stay sixteen forever
Where the grass was always greener
Time is quickly passing
And now its time to move on
I know it may sound stupid but
I've always needed you
So please .......
Stay

You can have all you want and
You'll want what you have
Just don't let go and
Hold on to tomorrow
So I will save you

(some acoustic chord progressions)

You can have all you want and
You'll want what you have
Just don't let go and
Hold on to tomorrow
So I will save you

So I will save you


Again this is my first song written so its not good but I'm looking for improvements so all criticism is welcome.
#2
I don't now why but the first lines remember me to the song "Delilah"
I think it's ok.
#3
I've only just written my first song as well so know how hard it is to get going! I've put a few comments on the first verse below about some typo's etc.

However, my main crit on the song is that it all sounds like its been done before. There isn't much in there that makes it unique. In the second verse The metaphor of greener grass is very over used and I think could be rethought, and the repetition of time isn't great.

I think you need to go back to this and try and individualise it a bit. All of what you have written is good, but doesn't feel fresh. Keep at it though, definitely a lot of potential there!

Quote by ncregan


Hey babe don't cry
I know it can be tough
And life can be rough
Just stay focused on who you are
Cause your never from assume this 'from' should say 'far' from home
Although your a million miles from here
Don't ever give up
Cause I'll be where you need me

#4
Ok first off to Vendim - now that you mention it does sound similar to Delilah, and to Vazzza - thanks for the crit i can see what you mean I'm going to go over it and fix some stuff ASAP.
#5
It does sound a lot like deliah but besides that its pretty good keep on writing and you will get better with time, just try not to write with a song stuck in your head or it will turn out like the song stuck in your head and thanks for the crit on Lights of Heaven
#6
^^
agreed. if you listen to a song and then write, you're screwed in terms of originality. also, keep writing.
#7
i really like this piece. this reminds me about how i felt about my ex. its very nice and i could only find one thing i didnt like...

You Can't stay sixteen forever
Where the grass was always greener
Time is quickly passing
And now its time to move on
I know it may sound stupid but
I've always needed you
So please .......
Stay
the word stupid in here... idk it just kind of dumbs the piece down. other than that its great!
#8
Some good stuff here. Good ideas, and you really sound like you're baring your soul.

The idea is a classic. A beautiful young lady, going through a hard time and you offering your self, your soul, if she needs it. However, I would suggest finding a way to make it yours, because as is, it hasn't quite expressed its own strengths. Keep writing with this idea, play with words, play with ideas and imagery and metaphors and rearrange, rearrange, rearrange! You'll find it.

Best of luck, keep writing, thanks for critting mine
M.