#1
Now. I need help with this one because it's going to be a song. Maybe the first song on my band's new album. So, give any assistance that you may be able to give. Just please don't say it's crap or you don't get it. That's not constructive criticism.
I'm sceptical about the first verse, but I like the way it coincides with the dreamlike metaphors of the artists, soldiers and astronauts. I wanted this to be written a little childishly, but also with a tinge of adulthood; which, I hope, will show the confusion and disaray of gaining weight, no matter how little it may be.



12.2 Stone


12.2 stone;
I’m growing out of love with this girl
and her colours running
up the mountain inside.

I’m here with Joe.
He’s everything I hate about this town.

If I turn my head just a little to the left,
I could feather my throat.
For the good of the company,
for the good of the men.
Who shed their rifles just to carry me home.

I’m here with Mary.
She’s everything I hate about the name.

I’m so sick of eating my own shit.
I’ll send it to NASA
in the hope that one day
they’ll make something more
of my own lack of gravity.

I’m here with Dan.
He’s everything I hate about myself.


Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Jan 14, 2009,
#3
'up my mountain inside.'

the 'my mountain' when talking about her, then saying inside, didn't quite work for me since I was left unsure of whether you were talking about inside her or inside you, and I didn't get any double meaning.

This could be very interesting with music.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
I like this mate, alot in fact!

Id keep it as it is, maybe make a few adjustments if you feel its neccessary. I like the way things arent entirely obvious, inside her or inside you? etc
Its good like the, it lets the reader guess for themselves and make their own interpretation, whether its the right or wrong one.
#5
I'll be back, with a big ol' quote, bold crit.

But first off,

shit; shit.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Jan 13, 2009,
#6
Does the large amount of weight deal with the song?
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#7
Okay, I'm not. This is tight.

"up the mountain inside."
I feel sorta embarrassed for not really understanding this, either the sytnax is messed up, or I really need to leave.

"I’m growing out of love for this girl"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it "with", not "for" (e.g. I'm falling in love with/for here)?

I don't know the melody, so I won't bother bitching on the line breaks.


I don't think I liked the ending.


I would've like to have seen this as poetry, I feel the song structure limited you on expanding some pretty good ideas here.
#8
when this is recorded, i will be able to crit this properly. I will say that nowing you and knowing your band, this is exactly the kind o thing i'd expect. I am worried that the meaning may have been lost though.
#9
Well I've come to realise that this doesn't really have one point or one specific emotion identified clearly. I wanted it to be that way, but it turned out to be a general piece overlooking all the shitty parts of life. Mainly the insecurity of putting on weight that you never thought you would put on and all the repercussions and causes of that dismay.

It suits as a first song and the band is happy with it.

Thanks for everyone’s comments.
Sam: I'll change the shit and I'll change the "love" line.
"up the mountain inside" is referring to how this really sweet girl I know is constantly running up the "mountain" inside of her. i.e. she’s so fat, she looks like a bloody mountain. It's supposed to be rude and funny, disrespecting her and our friendship. I don't want to explain it more. But I will explain as far as I went because I can see why that would be confusing.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Jan 14, 2009,
#10
I can't imagine how this would sound recorded, but I didn't see any problems that'd really prevent it from being an enjoyable song. I don't think there's much here that really needs to be repaired. Maybe add another line to the first stanza if you could manage it without forcing something, to keep consistency with the length of the other stanzas. Nice work.

ninja-edit: Wait, you love a fatty? wtf.
#11
ou never sease to amaze me with your ability to find a melody in things that resemble a song as much as a piece of grass resembles a stone. i really would love to hear this.
#12
Quote by SilenceEvolves
I can't imagine how this would sound recorded, but I didn't see any problems that'd really prevent it from being an enjoyable song. I don't think there's much here that really needs to be repaired. Maybe add another line to the first stanza if you could manage it without forcing something, to keep consistency with the length of the other stanzas. Nice work.

ninja-edit: Wait, you love a fatty? wtf.


i agree. I see no problems really. Unless this were rewritten majorly, I think it's good as is.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Jan 14, 2009,
#13
The first stanza is shorter than the other, er, verses. Other than that I don't see anything, as a song anyway. I really like the first bit.

I wanna hear this =] I'm very intrigued
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#14
The band will be very chuffed that people are so interested in hearing the song. I'm singing in an odd timing and the song is in 6/4 timing so it's going to take a week or two of solid practising before I can confidently sing it the way I want and play it at the same time.
I never sing the same every verse, that's why one verse is longer than the others. It's not that I try to make it different, it just comes out that way. It suits out weird music, I guess.

Thanks for the vote of confidence folks. I really appreciate you all!