#1
The Optimist’s Song

Break away from these shackles and start again,
There’s a whole world out there, time to escape this den.
I’m leaving you behind, this song’s for me
It’s about what you believe and not what you see

Yesterday’s memories will just drag you down,
Time to escape and leave this town
An endless pursuit to right all wrongs
Have another chance; this is the optimist’s song

The loyal sun rises every morning,
Last year has been spent, a new era is dawning
An up-hill race we seem to be winning,
This is the way the world ends... we can’t stop singing

Yesterday’s memories will just drag you down,
Time to escape and leave this town
An endless pursuit to right all wrongs
Have another chance; this is the optimist’s song

I sometimes think of the life we could have made
You’re gone but memories won’t fade.
Standing at the top, ready to come crashing down
Take my pride and possessions but not my crown


Yesterday’s memories will just drag you down,
Time to escape and leave this town
An endless pursuit to right all wrongs
Have another chance; this is the optimist’s song

Life is catching up, this cannot survive,
It’s ending soon, dead or alive.
Take opportunities and don’t say no,
I must leave now, I have to go.

Yesterday’s memories will just drag you down,
Time to escape and leave this town
An endless pursuit to right all wrongs
Have another chance; this is the optimist’s song

Hey people, this is my second song, it's about living life basically.. I've tried not to make it sound like the usual thing, all crit very welcome, and thanks
#2
Hey, the concept is good, and there is some nice vocab in there.

However, the first verse I found the rhythm or pace or whatever you call it to be a bit odd:

Break free from these shackles and start again,
A whole world out there, time to leave this den.
I’m leaving you behind now, this song is for me
It’s about what you believe and not what you see


Might fit better, if it doesn't mess up your idea too much.

Apart from that it reads well.
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#3
Quote by lee 31392
The Optimist’s Song

Break away from these shackles and start again,
There’s a whole world out there, time to escape this den.
I’m leaving you behind, this song’s for me
It’s about what you believe and not what you see

I think the first couple lines should be Break away from these shackles and these chains, theres a whole world out there, lets go explore or something along those lines it might flow better that way but thats just my opinion other then that I think this is a good start

Yesterday’s memories will just drag you down,
Time to escape and leave this town
An endless pursuit to right all wrongs
Have another chance; this is the optimist’s song

Try not to ryhme so much and dont make them so obvious I guess what Im saying is I dont like it when every line ryhmes and they are genric like down/town

The loyal sun rises every morning,
Last year has been spent, a new era is dawning
An up-hill race we seem to be winning,
This is the way the world ends... we can’t stop singing

I really liked this verse and didnt see anything wrong with it

Yesterday’s memories will just drag you down,
Time to escape and leave this town
An endless pursuit to right all wrongs
Have another chance; this is the optimist’s song

I sometimes think of the life we could have made
You’re gone but memories won’t fade.
Standing at the top, ready to come crashing down
Take my pride and possessions but not my crown

this is also a very good, strong verse

Yesterday’s memories will just drag you down,
Time to escape and leave this town
An endless pursuit to right all wrongs
Have another chance; this is the optimist’s song

Life is catching up, this cannot survive,
It’s ending soon, dead or alive.
Take opportunities and don’t say no,
I must leave now, I have to go.

the genric ryhmes really throw this verse off to be honest

Yesterday’s memories will just drag you down,
Time to escape and leave this town
An endless pursuit to right all wrongs
Have another chance; this is the optimist’s song

Hey people, this is my second song, it's about living life basically.. I've tried not to make it sound like the usual thing, all crit very welcome, and thanks


Hey thanks for going back and re-criting my song, I really liked this one but try not to make your ryhmes so genric
#4
Thanks, but the rhyming was on purpose, hence it's only really strong on the last verse, because it's important and trying to put a final message across, but thanks for your opinion
I defecate all over my clothes to get extra protected
Roses are Red
Violets are Bitchin
God Dammit Woman
Get Back in the Kitchen
#7
I thought the rhymes seemed forced. Like your goal was to reach a word that rhymes no matter what and it was much to constricting. I understand sometimes songs can make simple, perfect rhymes work but standing alone, it hindered the writing.

I think if you work on making your ideas go somewhere, and saying something in a new way, it could vastly improve your writing.

Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#8
I really like it. the message got to me clearly and the chorus is great, IMO.

the 5th group was kinda confusing to me, tho. i dont know what it was about it that made it confusing (or mayb its just me). but otherwise a great song.

(plz excuse my not-so-gud crit, i'm not very good at critisizing yet, this is my first time. lol)
Quote by Pinto111
Well thank you for your contributions to this discussion. I'm glad you kept it intelligent


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[¬.¬] - ya rly.
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#9
Haha, if your song was a glass, roughly half empty (though entitledly half-full), I'd be sure some little monkey was screwing me over pouring some in or out. It would be MAYHEM, and I'd be certain to keep my eyes fixed on the little bugger.

Nevertheless, your song IS similar in that for an optimistic song; it has a lot of distinctly grounded, heavy handed moments of pessimism (starting even, from 'escape this den'), and t almost creates a kind of ironic, hypothetically empowering Feng Shui within the piece.

Hahahah I'm on fire.


You could title this, Hamlet Was An Optimist.
Once We Were Anarchists
#10
I didn't understand a word you said in the first bit lol and the glass is half full if you're filling it and half empty if you're emptying it, that's how I've always seen it. I have no idea what or who Feng Shui is lol but thanks for the crit, seems well thought out, please could you crit my newest piece called Someone Else's Eyes, as you're on fire lol, it's also my favourite piece and it has a lot of feeling put into it, thanks
I defecate all over my clothes to get extra protected
Roses are Red
Violets are Bitchin
God Dammit Woman
Get Back in the Kitchen
#11
Feng Shui = art of Japanese spatial arrangement.
Once We Were Anarchists
#12
Haha, sorry mate. What I meant, was like, if your song WAS THE GLASS. (THE - 'half full/half empty' glass, that exact famous one from all the books like ... obviously only in metaphor because I've never trusted a song as a rigid enough membrane to hold my coffee pheesibly)... then the fluid level off said glass/song/glass (batman spunk for all i care), would be rather undecided on where it would be, thereful difficult to judge, and altogether suspcious. Afterall, not one of us has had a pint, drunk half of it and had it lyrically, myrically, refilled! Hence the monkey, conspiring with the glass, is SKILLED!
Once We Were Anarchists
#13
I'm still confused... you are really well spoken lol, are you saying you like it? lol I'm guessing you do by the word "SKILLED!" If so, I might sig. it lol thanks
I defecate all over my clothes to get extra protected
Roses are Red
Violets are Bitchin
God Dammit Woman
Get Back in the Kitchen