#1
The lights of heaven
shine down on me
in these trying times
my time of need

When fear consumes me
He will be there
take me by the hand
and lead me on

Protect me from
the demons that run rabid
in the labyrinth
of my mind

Spoken
Nor height, nor depth,
nor any other creature,
shall be able to separate us
from the love of God,
which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

The lights of heaven
shine down on me
in these trying times
my time of need
Last edited by therealtater at Jan 14, 2009,
#2
Only crit I have for it is one, maybe the length (a bit short) and the third stanza with the wrong spelling of Labyrinth and about the demons running rabid, the illiteration on that phrase isn't necessary I think that line could be shortened, however, try not to change it too much if you choose to cuz I really like the metaphore of your mind being a labyrinth. Good Post, and don't assume people won't like it
I defecate all over my clothes to get extra protected
Roses are Red
Violets are Bitchin
God Dammit Woman
Get Back in the Kitchen
#4
I quite liked this piece actually. Its not that long but it explains the story behind the piece very well. I liked the third stanza although i agree that the second line could be shorter but apart from that i enjoyed reading this. Its very well written, already looking forward to the next one
If you have time you should check out mine.
Here it is : https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1045237
#5
well, first of all, don't say we probably won't like at the beginning of the piece, bc that just makes it harder to enjoy
it's hard for me to give a fair crit of this because i'm glad to see a piece on this forum that is both happy and religious (not to mention one is that is fairly intelligent). it's very refreshing. "Labyrinth" is the correct spelling (edit kthx)
i think the first line of the longest stanza is unnecessary
other than that, not bad!

EDIT: I noticed you used the line you posted in freepost forum. nice
#7
i liked it. it did feel a little bit repetitive because of the "nor" part so many times. i think it is all very good and believing in god or not shouldnt affect someones criticism. if not. it should be slightly better cause they will try harder to find something wrong.
blemonese of the Bass Militia, PM Nutter_101 to join
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#8
I think this is very good but the 4th stanza i think a few of the 'nors' could be cut out. Other then that its good really like the 3rd stanza. I am suprised that i like it though as i am an Aethiest and this song is quite obviously very religious. Could you crit my poem My Wish.
#9
hey good job alot of ppl might not like it bcuz of the deeper meaning it has than just rock n roll and music but i still like it. maybe just not the rabid line, that kinda ruins it for me a lil. u think u could crit one of mine? id GREATLY appreciate it
#11
I like it. it is just a tad short, tho. THe meaning is good, too. One thing (this is just me) is that it doesnt rhyme much (like i said, it's just me. in my mind, songs have to have rhyme. lol) i like how you used the bible verse.
Quote by Pinto111
Well thank you for your contributions to this discussion. I'm glad you kept it intelligent


,___,
[O.o] - O rly?
/)__)
-"--"-

,___,
[¬.¬] - ya rly.
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-"--"-
#12
I quite like it agree a bit with paintball kid there are some parts that seem like they should rhyme but dont like the second verse but other then that relly like the lyrics would be interesting to hear this too music