#1
song i wrote just now. and C4C

Thank you, for nothing

Thank you for nothing

Just so you know

wherever I am.
whatever I am.

You didn't break my soul...

you just gorged out my eyes
you little vulture!

I saw things through this mirror
and I'm not gonna lie like you.
Try no more to pull me in, cause
I'm not gonna change who I am to fit your calendar.

I didn't judge you by the skeletons in your closet!
I looked past the mask of mascara.
I saw more than your fresh open scars.
It was all more than seeing you naked.

I saw you
and I wish I didn't.

*you are just another
rock to my glass heart.
and the sun never rises
when im with you.
dont be surprised
that im grateful of you.
cause things have never been clearer
since you gorged out my eyes!*

I touched you with numb hands
and I was never gonna love like you.
The tears of joy have turned crimson
and your deathly love froze them into rubies.

you were more than morphine
and you were better than ambrosia.
Now I know your just a depressant
with your frail kisses of joyful poison.

I loved you
and I wish I didn't

**

look at me eye to eye!
I told you I'm not gonna promise like you.
Take off your mask of insecurities
and feel my rage crawl into your skin.

you made me a beacon in distress
and your gonna be the first at my corpse.
you drank up all my love and spat it out.
turning my love into backwash with pity.

I hate you
and I'm glad i do.

**

Leave me alone and don't bother me with gifts.
Let me be alone is my velvet casket.
If I welcome in these close walls...
When will i be able to see that pretty face
that brings me so much malice!

**

the only bad part about death
is that i will see you in hell
for the rest of eternity!
blemonese of the Bass Militia, PM Nutter_101 to join
Quote by camhussynec
Its like getting anal for the first time. It hurts like hell but eventully ull get used to it and itll feel fine

Thanks for nothing
Last edited by matosh.lee at Jan 16, 2009,
#2
damn loved it but some stanza's you didn't need. and some re arranging neededs to be done im not gonna go in specific detail because its real real long. I don't think you were trying to make that a song idk but well done very good detail.

oh can you comment on Light of day

thanks.
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#3
i usually write really long songs. it usually just spans over an average of 5 mins and 30 secs or less. this one i will try to edit. and i went to your song the light of day
blemonese of the Bass Militia, PM Nutter_101 to join
Quote by camhussynec
Its like getting anal for the first time. It hurts like hell but eventully ull get used to it and itll feel fine

Thanks for nothing
#4
Can't really feel a rhythm in there; is there meant to be one? A lot of it seems to be too direct for my likings, but that's just me probably. Also, a few grammatical/spelling mistakes here and there, but nothing painful.

But apart from that, it was damn enjoyable.
#5
there is not really much of a rhythm right now. but its not completely off track. what is the grammatical and spelling errors?
blemonese of the Bass Militia, PM Nutter_101 to join
Quote by camhussynec
Its like getting anal for the first time. It hurts like hell but eventully ull get used to it and itll feel fine

Thanks for nothing
#6
Quote by matosh.lee
song i wrote just now

Thank you, for nothing

Just so you know

wherever I am.
whatever I am.

You didn't break my soul...

you just gorged out my eyes
you little vulture!

I like how this idea comes back later on

I saw things through this mirror
and I'm not gonna lie like you.
Try no more to pull me in, cause
I'm not gonna change who I am to fit your calendar.

not bad. the mirror line indicating that you know who you are right? i like that. i also really like the last line.

I didn't do no wrong cause I am who i am.
I'm not feeling any more pain
cause I'm never gonna be okay
but I've long been past the stages of denial.

I didn't judge you by the skeletons in your closet!
I looked past the mask of mascara.
I saw more than your fresh open scars.
It was all more than seeing you naked.

mask of mascara. i like that.

I saw you
and I wish I didn't.

damn...you burned that bitch...*hi-five*

*Thank you!
For tearing my eyes out.
Blessed you!
For being a rock to my glass heart.
Thank you!
For making my love spill like wine.
F*** you!
My heart has flow down the gutter.
Thanks! Cause things have never been clearer
since you gorged out my eyes!*

umm...i don't really like the kinda sarcasm type of thing going on here. but i do like the last line.


I touched you with numb hands
and I was never gonna love like you.
The tears of joy have turned crimson
and your deathly love froze them into rubies.

rubies are very precious gems. sure that's what you want to convey?

You are a crow but I am not the worm.
I was a living human, but no more.
After that first kiss I died and went nowhere.
You then picked at me like a corpse.


hmm...this part seems a little under-developed. probably because of the last line. it seems a little tacked on. even with the bird theme. because you have vultures, crows, back to vultures. maybe delve into this a 'bit more?


you were more than morphine
and you were better than ambrosia.
Now I know your just a depressant
with your frail kisses of joyful poison.

"more than mor-phine" cool. rolls off the tongue.


I loved you
and I wish I didn't

short, sweet. to the point.
**

look at me eye to eye!
I told you I'm not gonna promise like you.
Take of your mask of insecurities
and feel my rage crawl into your skin.

kinda the turning point i see? kinda goes into pissed off mode.

I want you to be all that you can be!
Which is hard cause your no more than a harlot,
but be the best one you can be cause your great...
At turning my love into backwash with pity.

all you can be? meh...do like the harlot line. rest of the stanza...not so much.

Call me all your foolish names
and maybe I will will hear at least one.
You cut off my senses leaving me a beacon in distress.
Thank you for leaving me deaf, blind, and dead!

once again, not really feeling the sarcasm

I hate you
and I'm glad i do.

i do like how you changeup from the longer more in depth stanza's to these shorter more poignant lines

**

Leave me alone and don't bother me with gifts.
Let me be alone in my velvet casket.
If I welcome in these close walls...
When will i be able to see that pretty face
that brings me so much malice!

**

I only want to stay cause you will be
down here soon!

i don't quite get this, she'll be down there with you in metaphoric death?



it started off quite promising but it just drags on soo much... before the final piece, you may wanna cut down on some things, unless you want this epic 20+ minute song. some bits just seem tacked on. no real emotion. but try to condense things to form one fluid idea. condense all the hard hitting emotion because lengthened out, it seems to fall a 'bit flat. but there is real potential i see here.
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#7
thanks alot. this gives me an idea of how to edit it. im working on it right now. probably gonna merge some stanza together. and cut out a stanza in each verse so its only 2 stanzas for each verse. because i see what you mean on the weak stanzas in the verses.


Edit: i got it going now. this is the new version. took out some stuff so its shorter. and changed some stuff.
blemonese of the Bass Militia, PM Nutter_101 to join
Quote by camhussynec
Its like getting anal for the first time. It hurts like hell but eventully ull get used to it and itll feel fine

Thanks for nothing
Last edited by matosh.lee at Jan 16, 2009,
#8
Mostly it's very good. I can really feel and understand the point/message you're trying to get across, and the emotion is conveyed throughout very well.

The line "you just gorged out my eyes/you little vulture!" is OK, but the "you little vulture!" sort of seems like you're talking to a baby or a little kid, and really takes away from the emotion of the rest of the piece. Overall it was pretty good, it had some great likes like "mask of mascara" and such. Very good work.
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09/03/2012
#9
thanks. will find something to suit it cause that wouldnt of worked well in a song cause we have a girl singer. thats why i took out hte harlot part.
blemonese of the Bass Militia, PM Nutter_101 to join
Quote by camhussynec
Its like getting anal for the first time. It hurts like hell but eventully ull get used to it and itll feel fine

Thanks for nothing