#1
Need some help on this one.


Intro:

Trillions of stars
can't reach
gravity pulls me away
farther... farther
drowned

Chrous:

your mind and face
my hearts afraid
our love
incomplete
I'll break away
To see the light of day

Verse:

Hand lays out
I awake
Sweat drips down my face
Searching... Searching
Lost

Chrous 2:

your mind and face
my hearts afraid
our love
incomplete
I'll break away
To see the light of day

Outro:

Butterflies my stomach
in rage
moist air, pounding tears
harder... harder
stop


I know you'll probbaly comment on "butterflies my stomach" doesn't make a lot of sense but i think it symbolizes that he is letting love getting the best of him

C4C and all that jazz

but yeah some help would be appriecated. Thanks.
Singer/Songwriter/Guitarist/Bassit/Drummer/Screamer/Marocka Shaker/Flute Tamer/Bio Chemical Robot Lover/Holographic Charizard owner/ Industrial waste polutionier/Stoner
Last edited by Demarkos at Jan 14, 2009,
#2
I think the song is good except for two small things which i think need to be changed. The first is the word 'Trillion' i dont think it works with the rest of the song, maybe it could be changed to something like 'Myriad of stars'.
The second being the rhyme in the chorus, considering that there isnt any rhyming in the song, barr that one of course, it seems very out of place.
I actually like the 'butterflies my stomach' even more so after finding out why it was written like it was.
If you could have a look at my poem My Wish that'd be good you'll have to use the searchbar to find it i tried to post a link but it screwed up the computer for some reason.
#3
its weird. im not sure exactly how to explain it. it would probably be better in a song. with music cause there would be that rhythm. and its not that bad. just a bit confusing of what your trying to get across as the main point. nto good at telling you what to change but make the point a little bit more. it seems like its trying to flow but it is broken up at the same time. the outro is great. and you might wanna add some stuff to the chorus.
blemonese of the Bass Militia, PM Nutter_101 to join
Quote by camhussynec
Its like getting anal for the first time. It hurts like hell but eventully ull get used to it and itll feel fine

Thanks for nothing
#4
I didnt really like it to be honest I couldnt find a beat to it or anything like that so maybe you want to try something like that it didnt flow really well when I read over it either but thats probably cause of the ryhming if you dont mind criting my song the links are in the sig just pick one thanks
#5
I fined it really odd.. It just... doesn't sound right when I read it over.

just eat 27 chalupas with fire sauce the day before you meet em then when they try something **** your pants



Gear List:
Fender Stratocaster
Fender Squire Sp-10
#6
I don't know what to think, the choice of words could be revised I think. A few spelling mistakes (father) and I think in the first verse it shold be ".... that I can't reach..." It could work depending on the music that pairs with it. Please crit the songs in my sig! Thanks
I defecate all over my clothes to get extra protected
Roses are Red
Violets are Bitchin
God Dammit Woman
Get Back in the Kitchen
#7
actually even i am indiffernt about this one....

i actually like the chorus it does flow im not sure what the ryhme scheme is tho

think its

A
B
A
B
A
C

I actually might just scrap some parts and put more words that have more vivid descriptions and just use it for screaming parts. Than sing the chorus.
Singer/Songwriter/Guitarist/Bassit/Drummer/Screamer/Marocka Shaker/Flute Tamer/Bio Chemical Robot Lover/Holographic Charizard owner/ Industrial waste polutionier/Stoner
Last edited by Demarkos at Jan 14, 2009,
#8
the style of this piece is a lot like one i once wrote. i felt mediocre about that piece, and you seem mediocre about this one.
it seems like a lot of thoughts that are not very strung together and it doesn't really lead anywhere.