#1
Something i wrote quite a while ago hopefully you'll tell me what you think. Please dont try and be nice in any crits just honest, thanks.

My wish
Sleep, to escape what and what is'nt into a new world.
A world where im free of myself.
The monotony, the pain, that persistent reminder in every joke of just how alone you are, gone.
Replaced with the love which you have sought so long.
Your free of you burden and with a whim have what you want.
Your perfect day:
People gather before you to be with you, cherish you, love you.
Verdent hills lay before the soothing chaos of blue and white, the sand pure and soft.
A coolperfumed breeze drifts through the warm air.
The melody of the Earth calming and so divine.
Her beauty almost captured in the day of this place, almost.
But no matter how many gather before you, she does not show.
No matter how you will it she does not come.
Her smile that puts to shame the hills and the sea.
Her voice, her laugh, that cresendos over the Earth's melody.
Her touch warmer and softer then the breeze, that touch that makes you quiver every time.
She who makes the people that gather before you reduntant.
It is she who still does not come, will not come.
It is for her you awake from this bliss , only to cry at the thought of every day not spend by her side.
She is the only one you would give this up for, just to see her, hold her, protect her, comfort her.
Only her.
#2
Uhh, it's pretty good poetry, but very dramatic. Personally, I don't think any girl is worth that amount drama. (Don't get all worked up girls... I seriously doubt any of us dudes are worth that kind of drama either)
Last edited by b-rock34 at Jan 14, 2009,
#3
I'm usualy very dramatic with every thing i write it's just i've always written. But i do think people can be worth this much, i'm not trying to argue with you on that either so you know.
#4
^^
people are worth everything.
i did like this piece. i don't want to nitpick it because i enjoyed it so much.
#5
I read lots of people's work in this style and it always amazes me how they can do it! I can't, it's really hard. This is a very nice piece, I proberly wouldn't listen to it because it's not my style. And yeah, people are worth the world. Please could you crit Someone Else's Eye's for me as that's my newest piece, thanks
I defecate all over my clothes to get extra protected
Roses are Red
Violets are Bitchin
God Dammit Woman
Get Back in the Kitchen
#7
No, people are not worth giving up your whole purpose in life for. (Maybe offspring...but, even then what's the point) It's your life. Noone else's!
#9
Yooo
Got round to it eventually, newer, less spaced out poemey things have been written and can be found in my threads, and in the actual songwriting forum unlike that in the pit.

anyway,
yeh this was nice, it was a very heavy read, but also quite like a dream as well, though some of the metaphors seemed to lack tangible sense even in a dream reality - crescendos over the earths melody. i mean, i know the 'earth melody' bit is the heart of the piece, but it sounds a bit... gay.. and lame... i just wouldn't buy into that emotionally i mean.
i like how it takes you on a ride though, starts with a wish, then some lows, then some highs, then some nostalgia, then some more lows, some more lows, some highs, a final kick in the crotch of a low bit, and then a very confusing last sentence? I mean it may be true, but.. why?!
Once We Were Anarchists
#10
Some of it is very gentle, tender and seemingly well crafted; comparisons with her smile and hills, warmer and softer than the breeze (i tend to associate breezes/wind with cold though?) being good examples, where at times the description it makes it sound a bit chaotic, for me thats the Verdent Hills line, and the line about monotony where its just like drummmeedd into you.
Once We Were Anarchists