#1
I wrote this on Tuesday, first song i've written in a while, It's a bluesy rock n roll song, with the flow being similar to The White Stripe or Raconteurs.

"Hearts For Homes"

I see you creep in
You hear me say
I’ll keep your secrets
From the cradle to grave

I see you lying
Amongst your sin
Even reptiles would say
It’s a cold blooded thing you did

Hey, you gotta find your heart a home
Yeah, you gotta find your heart a home
Let the message sink in with a paralytic grin and eyes that are oh so cold
Hey, you gotta find your heart a home

You see me dreaming
I hear you say
“Now that you’ve gone away
Was it really worth the wait?”

So I lie there
Thinking about the ways
I’ll stamp on the flowers
As I dance upon your grave

Cuz you got a loose tooth in a telephone booth
And it’s opening your mouth to say
That the bee in your bonnet shoots around like a rocket
And it’s causing you so much pain
The past is shut, but it has stuck you in a rut
And you can’t stop chasing that high
I’d put your heart in my pocket but I think I’d rather drop it
Off the highest ****ing building I find

Hey, you gotta find your heart a home
Yeah, you gotta find your heart a home
Let the message sink in with a paralytic grin and eyes that are oh so cold
Hey, you gotta find your heart a home

Oooh we gotta find your heart a home
I just need you to have another place to go
You could ride into the sun
Even just for fun
And I wouldn’t worry or wither
Cause, a gun to my head, or with you instead
I’d say pull the trigger
Pull the trigger
Pull the trigger, Pull the trigger
Good Charlotte sounds like...uh...they sound like...um...well, they taste like a popsicle stick thats been shoved up someones ass -Eddie Vedder

REMEMBER DISCO: All stupid fads go away with time. STOP COMPLAINING
#2
I don't know what to say about it, it was really well wriiten and I even managed to get a rhythm going, which I usually find hard just by reading someone else's work unless I know the song, well done, can you crit the songs in my sig please? Thanks
I defecate all over my clothes to get extra protected
Roses are Red
Violets are Bitchin
God Dammit Woman
Get Back in the Kitchen
#3
Quote by israels_son
I wrote this on Tuesday, first song i've written in a while, It's a bluesy rock n roll song, with the flow being similar to The White Stripe or Raconteurs.

"Hearts For Homes"

I see you creep in
You hear me say
I’ll keep your secrets
From the cradle to grave

Great first bit--simple, but effective language and great rhyme.
I see you lying
Amongst your sin
Even reptiles would say
It’s a cold blooded thing you did

Cheesy? A little. Perfect for the half campy half authentic type of music you're describing? Yes.
Hey, you gotta find your heart a home
Yeah, you gotta find your heart a home
Let the message sink in with a paralytic grin and eyes that are oh so cold
Hey, you gotta find your heart a home

The repetition doesn't sit well for me just because it's at the beginning of the chorus and has nothing to sit on. IMO you can change that by moving it, or including something in the first that better sets readers up for it. It should be fine as is with the right sound, I'm just being as picky as possible to help you out.
You see me dreaming
I hear you say
“Now that you’ve gone away
Was it really worth the wait?”

"see me dreaming" doesn't work for me, how do you see someone dreaming? It's not an accurate abstraction, and not detailed or interesting enough to be a specific--I say put something situational or specific in there instead. The gone away is cheesy and cliche, but again, would fit perfectly with the sound you describe, so I like it.

So I lie there
Thinking about the ways
I’ll stamp on the flowers
As I dance upon your grave

I can't picture the section starting with so. You've had strong cuts between stanzas before, and this tie over from the last one doesn't work well. Even for this type of song, "dance upon your grave" might be a bit too much, that and the "upon" sounds forced in my head, even thinking of what music can add.

Cuz you got a loose tooth in a telephone booth
And it’s opening your mouth to say
That the bee in your bonnet shoots around like a rocket
And it’s causing you so much pain
The past is shut, but it has stuck you in a rut
And you can’t stop chasing that high
I’d put your heart in my pocket but I think I’d rather drop it
Off the highest ****ing building I find

Left hanging like that, the "causing you so much pain" fall flat. There's gotta be exposition after that, not a shift toward talking about the past. I can see this as a crazy bridge building up to the end of the song and I like it. Even the profanity can work if you build from calm to mania over the course of this section, then break into instrumental business before the refrain of the chorus.

Hey, you gotta find your heart a home
Yeah, you gotta find your heart a home
Let the message sink in with a paralytic grin and eyes that are oh so cold
Hey, you gotta find your heart a home

Oooh we gotta find your heart a home
I just need you to have another place to go
You could ride into the sun
Even just for fun
And I wouldn’t worry or wither
Cause, a gun to my head, or with you instead
I’d say pull the trigger
Pull the trigger
Pull the trigger, Pull the trigger

Seems uncharacteristically dark at the end (though I know it's metaphor) it's tough to pull off moving from fun language like "lizard" earlier in the song to stuff like this, I don't see it quite working. The ride into the sun bit doesn't quite fit into this verse either; do something the prefaces the idea of whithering better--the sun connection is just a bit too much of a stretch.



Starts strong, but then gets a bit sloppy. THe type of music you want to make is difficult line to walk between controlled traditional structures and tongue in cheek fun. You need to really consider the nuance of each image in the last few verses--consider exactly when you can get heavy handed with what you're saying and when you need to pull back a bit. A little more pulling back in the second half of the song will do wonders.

Looking great, awaiting the revised version! If you want to C4C just pick one from my sig.
#4
I loved this its one of the best I have read in a while, even though I started lurking again 3 days ago, I dont really see anything you could change if you wouldnt mine criting mine the links in my sig thanks