#1
My favorite topic to write about is my girlfriend, so this is the first of many to come.. any comments/critique is greatly appreciated! thanx!

IF YOU LEAVE


Verse 1
Sittin' here with you
I'm wonderin what i'd do
if i woke up one day to find taht you are gone

left with a broken heart
one ripped and torn apart
it would just be too much to bear

Chorus
But now all i can see
is that you're still here with me
all alone on the sofa in the dark

But in life changes can occur
and they can split me and her
and leave us with just old memories

verse 2
So if you want to go down your own path
Don't make your mind up too fast
Cuz you don't know what you would do to me

YOu know i'd try to deny it
but it'd all be in vain
because there's no way to hide the pain

*chorus*

Bridge
WHen you're here my heart beats fast
and when you're gone it might as well be my last

*Guitar solo*

*Chorus*

(slowly) I'd do all I could to disbelieve
If you leave
Quote by Pinto111
Well thank you for your contributions to this discussion. I'm glad you kept it intelligent


,___,
[O.o] - O rly?
/)__)
-"--"-

,___,
[¬.¬] - ya rly.
/)__)
-"--"-
Last edited by paintballkid26 at Jan 14, 2009,
#3
Quote by paintballkid26
My favorite topic to write about is my girlfriend, so this is the first of many to come.. any comments/critique is greatly appreciated! thanx!

IF YOU LEAVE


Verse 1
Sittin' here with you
I'm wonderin' what i'd do
if i woke up one day to find that you are gone
nothing wrong so far. kinda cliche and might be able to use a better start for the verse.

left with a broken part
one ripped and torn apart
it would just be too much to bear
broken part? is it to be broken heart or part? if it is part than it makes the next two lines confusing. if its to be the word heart than this stanza would be fine.

Chorus
But now all i can see
is that you're still here with me
all alone on the sofa in the dark
since the entire song has been well flowing to me so far i think this one has a weird rhythm here but it would probably sound fixed in a song

But in life changes can occur
and they can split me and her
and leave us with just old memories
i think this stanza is good

verse 2
So if you want to go down your own path
Don't make your mind up too fast
Cause you don't know would you would do to me
"dont know would you do"? that line is unclear

You know i'd try to deny it
but it's all be in vain
because there's no way to hide the pain
"it's all be in vain" ? confusing statement.
and you could make the last line of this stanza more interesting


*chorus*

Bridge
When you're here my heart beats fast
and when you're gone it might as well be my last
it might as well be your last what? i think to much of a cut off but it could work well with the music depending on how it sounds.

*Guitar solo*

*Chorus*

(slowly) I'd do all I could to disbelieve
If you leave
disbelieve is a funny choice of wording here.


i made grammatical changes to what jumped out at me that wouldnt change the meaning of your song. it is better than okay. but its not great. it could be better. its kinda bland and needs some color to make this better. also get spell check. to help. doesnt bother me with spelling. but its better to make it seem like you know what you have to do that should be automatic. also proof read very slowly and aloud to make sure that you get rid of any nicks and bumps.
blemonese of the Bass Militia, PM Nutter_101 to join
Quote by camhussynec
Its like getting anal for the first time. It hurts like hell but eventully ull get used to it and itll feel fine

Thanks for nothing
#4
matosh.lee, in stanzas 2,5, and 6, i made changes. they were spelling errors. in 2, part was supposed to be heart. in 5, 'Cause you don't know would you would do to me' was changed to cause you don't know WHAT you would do to me. in 6, it's was changed to it'd or 'it would', im debating. thanx all! keep it coming! lol
Quote by Pinto111
Well thank you for your contributions to this discussion. I'm glad you kept it intelligent


,___,
[O.o] - O rly?
/)__)
-"--"-

,___,
[¬.¬] - ya rly.
/)__)
-"--"-
#5
Not bad at all
I'm curious into hearing what it would sound like.
Are you going to be playing it acoustic?
If so, in what key?
#6
This is only my 2nd song, so it'll probably be acoustic. and i dont know ANYTHING about keys. lol. so... yea. i guess i'm gonna hav to research that stuff. so it might be awhile until I can start writing the music. plus, i dont have any recording equip so i wouldnt be able to put it onto the computer.
Quote by Pinto111
Well thank you for your contributions to this discussion. I'm glad you kept it intelligent


,___,
[O.o] - O rly?
/)__)
-"--"-

,___,
[¬.¬] - ya rly.
/)__)
-"--"-