#1
I WILL Crit back, tomorrow, got loads of time so hopefully can swap lots of feedack. I was thinking something Radiohead/Raconteurs with a hint of something more jagged; Sparta... I've got the music; lots of delay, twangy chorus, altered chords and loads of creeping 2nds... but yer, are these just too cryptic? These lyrics? I was hoping to inspire some questioning into cosmic laws of all kinds; God being written into the fabric of the universe physically I mean.

Well, I hope I can get some feedback.

Floating on a whisper,
Or hurling through at pace,
Subjectively objective,
Just dreaming out in space,
coz I gave up on circadium Rhythm,
Away from it I spun, finding Plutonian vision,
I'm not on a mission, and its not my religion,
I'll tell you how to avoid gravity if you'll listen,
Your suspended on a law, mathmatical for sure,
Divide up all the numbers and you'll make the answer raw,
Express it all in zero's and you'll soon find the plot,
Send yourself to orbit and lose that weight that you've got,
Reasons as ideas,
And answers as forethought,
You can defy this logic,
If you divide it all by nought.

Chorus...

Oh space cadet, waste cadet,
What was the point?
Oh I forget...

(Repeat).


Then a guitar solo for 3 billion lightyears
Once We Were Anarchists
#2
it was ok but very confusing I had no idea what you were talking about to be honest Im not a big fan of straight foward lyrics but I think these need to be a little more straight foward if you wouldnt mine criting mine the links in the sig
#3
Quote by Danny7


Well, I hope I can get some feedback.

Floating on a whisper,
Or hurling through at pace,


I think "Floating on a whisper, or hurling on a scream"
would work better, apart from that it's all good, confusing, but good
I defecate all over my clothes to get extra protected
Roses are Red
Violets are Bitchin
God Dammit Woman
Get Back in the Kitchen
#4
I think the peice has some potential but needs a bit of work. I think the rhyming in it brings the peice down a bit and makes it sound 'amaturish' which it obviously is'nt because its fairly intricate. It's just my preference i think rhymes do this most of the time. I think this line "I'm not on a mission, and its not my religion," wasnt very good. But yeah, mainly i think the rhyming almost ruins the peice.
Could you crit this My Wish