#1
waking to the sounds of the city. the recently employed rising, brushing teeth over sinks laden with a selection of economy branded beauty products and shaving foamy mist of morning in the bloodshot eyes - smells of pineapple, lemon, grapefruit, tee tree etc. rushing out of apartment windows and drifting down the street into a crowd of oncomers, sweeping and shoving bags swaying and flattering with shy looks across. it was perfectly demonstrated in one particular attempt of embrace to a stranger on a morning just like this - he attempted to sweep a woman into his brutish arms in a moment of splendour and observed only her panic and fly off down montague street, muttering something about redemption. i heard only cries of exemption. she simply did not wish to be touched. the city simply too congested for a man like him, smoking on the balcony in terms of perfectly profound fragile lips slipping to the neck of a cigarette with such delicacy that the city appears to be facing his way. the rim of his wineglass is moist, the wine inside such a deep european flavour mixing and almost beyond the constraints of everything, including the traffic below making such a very big noise.

she - "come inside. you'll die"
he - "okay"

and walked back into the room through the french doors from the balcony and flopped down onto the white sheets next to her, several strands of hair losing position and framing his face for her as if to say hello i am a picture. and it was indeed a picture the two of them within a city, within infact a world containing several oceans (one in particular being the mediterranean of which he was undeniably fond) that would never be sailed in favour of comfort. she brushed back his hair into place as if to say i do not want to look at the picture i want to look at the real thing and he smiled back as if to say i would rather not be a picture anymore as well. it was such a special moment highlighted perhaps by him hopping up momentarily to grab a slightly warm can of budweiser from the dresser before returning to her on the bed. they spoke of several things which are not too important (they knew this) but spoke of one which was - they were very much in l.

& such were the events of that sad day, that saddest day infact. in what is now an older man's life - the day he began to delight in thoughts of the past more so than in ideas of the future.


o.t.s, c4c, etc. got a computer for a week. making the most of it.
Last edited by skagitup at Mar 14, 2010,
#2
i think this is one of the best prose pieces i've read from you. NOt even the excessively long sentences or the complete lack of capitals ruined this. Powerful stuff.
#3
First the annoying 'i liked this bit', I did like it. The air of unreality is totally effective, and I think it was genuinley moving.

Obviously you've said this is on the stop and that's going to affect it, but if you make the last stanza less clumbsy (in my view, at least) to read it will have so much more power.

'since this day roughly six others have passed' 'this' does work' but 'that' just makes it easier to understand.

'and with this has come the realisation that today was a sad day, that saddest day infact, in now an older man's life'

also, you've moved us forward in time so it's not 'today' anymore. Unless you DO mean today in which case it was the 'was' that put me off.

'that' is wrong and also 'now an older man's life'. You don't need the odd phrasing to put the emphasis on the fact that he's 'older' now.


In both these cases it delays your comprehension of the sentences and so takes away from the impact, which is actually quite striking.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#4
^ most helpful crit i've ever had. i keep reading yours. i don't want to post until i have the right thing to say. but don't think i have forgotten because it would be beyond me to do so.
#5
Meh has it. I just wanted to say I read it, and I really enjoyed it.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
^ aye
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
Quote by #1 synth
i actually completely disagree with this being wotw. there were better pieces this week. it's a good piece sure but not wotw in my humble opinion.


ouch

extend a variety of literary circumstances under which this may be worthy of such an accolade i.e. appropriate removal of particular phrase/punctuation and/or diving diving diving i am swimming through the sea
Last edited by skagitup at Jan 20, 2009,
#11
The tone in this was outstandingly unique. I wasn't sure what to make of it at first, but after five times through I'm leaning solidly towards really enjoying it.

Extended poetry seems a more appropriate thing to call it than prose. Deserves wotw for the originality, but it's also a well written piece- those concluding few lines were powerful.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#12
this is a brilliant piece of prose.
wow.
Quote by megadeth rule
how do you trip on acid? was your shoelace untied?


Quote by perry589
Mikko, you remind me of a clogged up toilet. You're the poo that won't go away.
#13
omg! i love this! u should actually arange it tho, make it sound, AND look beautiful
#14
Great piece here. I feel trapped inside your head reading this, which is a quality not many writers can evoke.

Basically the main improvement here would be to fix up the grammar, spelling & organization and you have yourself something solid.