#1
The Also-ran

The Also-ran went down without any show
shod legs buckled shedding rider and crop.
The turf absorbed the thunder-clump.
At that speed, to stop scars rump
and everything riding on it

They think the carpus pierced the throat,
the radius the lung. It undulates, the skin on its flank -
A last little ripple, like the flags on the course before,
with mad eyes staring,
the wind dies and the standards swoon with excitement.
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#2
blackdotted. love it.

edit: haven't forgotten about this. i'll be back.
Last edited by skagitup at Jan 16, 2009,
#3
There isnt really much to say about this i think it was great and nothing needs changing. Good job.
Could you have a look at my peice called My Wish.
#4
coming back to this
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




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theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#5
actually on reading this again i dont like the last line. I dont think if worked with the rest of the stanza. the 'the standards swoon with excitment' bit in my opinion needs to be changed.
Last edited by Barry0101 at Jan 14, 2009,
#6
I was pretty impressed.

nice idea executed extremely well. I gotta say, this was a lovely read. I think the last line is perfect.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Jan 15, 2009,
#7
I read it a few more times. Only thing I had a problem with was how these lines read:
'At that speed, to stop scars rump
and everything riding on it'


That was pretty easily glossed over, because this was really lovely. It's not like anything I've read on here and is refreshingly twisted, but not in an obvious or predictable way. I loved the flags image.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#8
Quote by vintage x metal
I read it a few more times. Only thing I had a problem with was how these lines read:
'At that speed, to stop scars rump
and everything riding on it'


That was pretty easily glossed over, because this was really lovely. It's not like anything I've read on here and is refreshingly twisted, but not in an obvious or predictable way. I loved the flags image.


Yeah that line is still tripping me up, so I think it probably needs fixed. I don't think it's wrong, it's just confusing syntax. It's caused I tried to force the word 'stop'.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish