#1
Small song i wrote. Be harsh.


Tired from the morning,
Tired from the night,
Can’t push smile for others,
But that could be allright.

Got this cold girl beside me,
Oh, she just can’t be reached,
Try to love the unlovable,
Try to kiss what can’t be kissed.

Oh, that girl will kill me,
As soon as I cross her door.
She was on my bed, a twisted siluete.
Begging me for some more.
#2
Quote by offspring_freak
Small song i wrote. Be harsh.


Tired from the morning,
Tired from the night,
Can’t push smile for others,
But that could be alright.
"alright" not "allright" cant push smile is the only thing thats kinda weird. it fits. but it doesnt fit. its also unclear

Got this cold girl beside me,
Oh, she just can’t be reached,
Try to love the unlovable,
Try to kiss what can’t be kissed.
its good but its not unique. if it is cliche you have to make something that isnt like how the other songs are out there.

Oh, that girl will kill me,
As soon as I cross her door.
She was on my bed, a twisted silhouette.
Begging me for some more.
its spelling silhouette if thats what you were trying to spell. this is the best stanza out of all of this


i tried to be harsh. and it is really short. not much of a song. it would just start and die short. so you need to add on which im hoping your planning on doing. only 2 spell errors that i see. and the first two stanzas seem to just be there to take up space just for the 3rd stanza. you can just have one great stanza after a whole bunch of weak ones.
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Quote by camhussynec
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Thanks for nothing
#3
thanks for review, means a lot...
spelling mistakes were made due to no sleep at all... =)
i didn't like it either but wanted to see what others think...
cheers!
#5
Very short, I think the phrase "Can’t push smile for others" would sound better if it was "Can't force a smile for others or you instead of others. I don't think the second verse fits to be honest. Last line could be "Begging me for more" Apart from that it's good, I like the last verse mostly. Don't change it cuz people don't like it, only change it if you agree with them, it's yor words and your song, you don't have to accept crit. Please could you crit my songs, in particular "Someone Else's Eyes" thanks, much appreciated
I defecate all over my clothes to get extra protected
Roses are Red
Violets are Bitchin
God Dammit Woman
Get Back in the Kitchen