#1
Good enough

He drove me to the cemetery
at his dads grave, holding hands with me
if I'd have been paying attention then
I'd have known how to act when I
took a train
and a sleeping bag
to fix his flowers
and maybe hold hands
lay on fresh grass
head to headstone
didn't get a minute of sleep
but there's nowhere else I'd have rather been
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Jan 15, 2009,
#2
Too much fluff. The last 8 sentences of hte middle paragraph pack so much... and the rest set such a rigid frame for it that it doesn't hit with near the impact it could. It needs a frame... but this frame is too strong for the piece. The content doesn't come through... like a frame that's "louder" than the picture its holding. Just makes the picture seem "tame" and "boring." Not that this was broing... I just felt like you could have so much more hit with a better frame.

STill... those 8 gave me goosebumps.
#3
yeah...
those 8 lines (reworded) were the original saved as a note in a phone calendar cause I had nothing else to write with and I knew I'd forget it. I didn't know if I felt right posting the original thought alone though so I added the other idea about almost the same thing.

thanks for reading and the crit. It's very helpful. I'll think about this.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
I have to agree. The middle paragraph was as tight as michael jackson's fleshlight, but the rest didn't do much for me. I think that paragraph is strong enough to stand on it's own.
#5
^

i think you guys are right. I might recycle the bead-beatle idea but i guess it does feel kind of like a tacked on "frame" (which I guess it was).

thanks a lot. I feel better now.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Jan 15, 2009,
#8
Quote by jiminizzle
Good enough

He drove me to the cemetary
holding hands at his dads grave with me
rhyme works, order just doesn't in my mind
if I'd have been paying attention then
I'd have known how to act when I
took a train
and a sleeping bag
to fix his flowers
and maybe hold hands
'thinking maybe we'd hold hands again'
or something
don't think it quite works

lied on fresh grass
head to headstone
full stop, maybe?
Not introducing the line gets annoying after this one, I think a full stop or something might fix it, I just don't think it's quite right

didn't get a minute of sleep
but there's nowhere else I'd have rather been
The word order, again, feels a bit off. The 'not a minute of sleep' is very casual, but 'I'd have rather' is the opposite.


It's still wonderful. Really wonderful.
Those things probably work fine for others, but not me, and not right now
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
I really like it, but it's rather sick... sleeping on your dad's grave lol, powerful stuff though well done, you couldn't by chance crit my songs in my sig could ya? Preferably the one called Someone Else's Eyes, thanks!
I defecate all over my clothes to get extra protected
Roses are Red
Violets are Bitchin
God Dammit Woman
Get Back in the Kitchen
#11
I love the way you wrote this; coinciding with your title and possibly your theme, as well. But to be honest, I think this would of worked better without the change in flow with the sudden alteration to the line break technique. I know it's all a part of the rawness, which is a rarity these days, but it actually feels a little predetermined - I'm sure that wasn't your goal but it came out in that way, unfortunately - I can see it's relevance, as I say, but only in the other madness you wrote the rest of the piece in. It's like the line breaks suddenly became methodic and poetic, when I don't believe it added anything. It just destracted the reader away from the beautiful theme and intensity.
That said, I know I find it very difficult to write in the fashion that you undertook, without coming across as being forced or fake, anyway. So, well done to you, sir.
I really appreciate your writing and often see the meaning in the ways that are thoroughly enjoyable and emotional.

Digitally Clean
#12
thanks guys. especially katherine and dan

I changed the holding hands line
I think I'm gonna keep the maybe hold hands
I'm strongly considering the full stop. That's kind of how I read it anyways.
I didn't know what to do for the last line cause I read it I'd've like i'd of but I don't like I'd of or writing out I'd've
And I'm considering changing one or two of the line breaks, specifically flowers/hold hands lines.


right.
thanks guys.

and yeah the title is a big part for me. It also goes with the last couple words...
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#13
That's not how you spell cemetery.

>.>

He drove me to the cemetary
at his dads grave, holding hands with me
if I'd have been paying attention then
I'd have known how to act when I
took a train
and a sleeping bag
to fix his flowers
and maybe hold hands
lied on fresh grass
Unless it's a clever pun (in which case I hate it). 'lay'?
head to headstone
didn't get a minute of sleep
but there's nowhere else I'd have rather been


Maybe it's just how you talk, if so whatever, but 'i'd have' annoys me a little. It sounds awkward in my mouth because i'd never speak like that, the have is redundant. Not the last one, just the first one.

'I'd have been paying attention' - I would have' 'I did have' ?


But yeah, if that's just how you want it then ignore me!

I don't really have any proper criticisms, lol. I liked it. I also liked the shape of the poem.
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