#1
So I am thinking this is going to be a progressive metal song, there is no chorus which I might add later. I did this in an hour (at work) this is really the first song I have wrote by myself. i will also try and C4C, but considering i am at work right now it might be difficult.

Last Days of an age

The souls of men
are crushed underneath
The weight of slavery

Domination of the mind
by controlled repeating cycles
Imposed by those who lead
to blind our eyes with hatred

This wretched world
must come to an end
Only the strong
will start anew

Spears rain from the heavens
sending fissures through the ground
Fire erupting from the cracks
Oceans rise and flood the land.

History erased
beneath the flood
The evil deeds
have been undone

The earth rises
from the dead
Giving life to the
Last
of our
Kind.
Last edited by Quantonyne at Jan 16, 2009,
#2
I think it deffo needs a chorus. I haven't heard of progressive metal before so I don't know what it's like. I think all the verses should have the same amount of syllables, so you could effectively sing one verse over the top of another so they are in time if you understand what I mean? Please crit mine, thanks
I defecate all over my clothes to get extra protected
Roses are Red
Violets are Bitchin
God Dammit Woman
Get Back in the Kitchen
#3
Quote by lee 31392
I think it deffo needs a chorus. I haven't heard of progressive metal before so I don't know what it's like. I think all the verses should have the same amount of syllables, so you could effectively sing one verse over the top of another so they are in time if you understand what I mean? Please crit mine, thanks



The idea I had was that the music would be changing and nothing would really repeat, except a chorus. So the syllable count really couldnt matter because each verse would have different music to it.
#4
Quote by Quantonyne
So I am thinking this is going to be a progressive metal song, there is no chorus which I might add later. I did this in an hour (at work) this is really the first song I have wrote by myself. i will also try and C4C, but considering i am at work right now it might be difficult.

Last Days of an age

The souls of man
start to weaken
As life turns to
slavery

How does a soul weaken? It's a bland and confusing phrase--give a specific image. Also, "life" isn't quite specific enough for me, care to elaborate or qualify that?

Total Domination
of the human mind
At the hands of the
ones who lead

Better language, but still all "tell" and no "show."

This wretched world
must come to an end
Only the strong
will start anew

Great declaration, it would be much better and stronger, if your first two stanzas were much more descriptive and less just telling us how it is.

(Maybe chorus)
Spears rain from the heavens
sending fissures through the ground
Fire erupting from the cracks
Oceans flooding over land

I can't make the last line work rhythmically and fit the rest of the stanza. Pretty generic imagery, and the spear metaphor is pretty cliche.

History erased beneath the flood
The evil deeds have been undone
No more will the chains of slavery
Bind us to our false identity

Works just fine except for the last line which feels forced, both rhythmically and with the word "identity" You don't talk about a false identity anywhere else in the song, just oppression. You can't introduce a whole new idea that big this late in the game.


The earth rises from the dead
Giving life to the
Last
of our
Kind.


Loving the rhythms of the first three and the final stanza. The song is largely cohesive, but that false identity bit feels forced. If you do insert a chorus, it should put a specific color on the type of slavery you are talking about. Perfectly ok to leave it vague in the verses, but pin down what kind of oppression it is in the chorus. ALso your moment of appocolypse in the fourth verse should be something more original IMO, it's where the impact of the song should hit, and so it should be distinct and maybe even a little idiosyncratic--not the generic world ripped asunder.

IFf, instead, you want to stick to that existing myth, you'll have to revise a lot to insert imagery and ideas throughout the work that prepare listeners for it and cement it into the song. Good start here, if you decide to C4C, just pick from my sig.
#5
I made some revisions, and tried to use better imagery. I dont know how it works but I think it's for the better. I just did the first 2 parts, so far. I also changed up some syllable counts.

The souls of men
are crushed underneath
The weight of slavery

(Possible Chorus)
Domination of the mind
by controlled repeating cycles
Imposed by those who lead
to blind our eyes with hatred.
Last edited by Quantonyne at Jan 15, 2009,
#6
Quote by Quantonyne
I made some revisions, and tried to use better imagery. I dont know how it works but I think it's for the better. I just did the first 2 parts, so far. I also changed up some syllable counts.

The souls of men
are crushed underneath
The weight of slavery

(Possible Chorus)
Domination of the mind
by controlled repeating cycles
Created by the leaders
to blind us with our hatred.



Not a real long chorus, but you do hone your specific notion of slaver. Again, love the rhythm and the combination of "cycles" and "hatred."
#7
Quote by dullsilver_mike
Not a real long chorus, but you do hone your specific notion of slaver. Again, love the rhythm and the combination of "cycles" and "hatred."



i edited it once more, i added some to the last 2 parts. i think there much better then the others.
#8
Quote by Quantonyne
i edited it once more, i added some to the last 2 parts. i think there much better then the others.


You should edit the first post with all the changes you made. It's sort of confusing to go through the thread to see parts that have been changed and try to replace it in your mind.

So I'll hold off on critiquing until then. :]
#9
Quote by Garb
You should edit the first post with all the changes you made. It's sort of confusing to go through the thread to see parts that have been changed and try to replace it in your mind.

So I'll hold off on critiquing until then. :]


i have made the changes.
#10
Quote by Quantonyne
Last Days of an age

The souls of man
are crushed underneath
The weight of slavery
I know what you're going for with "man," but for some reason I keep reading "men" instead. Maybe some rewording, not necessarily to men from man, but something to solidify the meaning and help the flow.
Domination of the mind
by controlled repeating cycles
Imposed by those who lead
to blind our eyes with hatred
Nicely put together.
This wretched world
must come to an end
Only the strong
will start anew

Spears rain from the heavens
sending fissures through the ground
Fire erupting from the cracks
Oceans rise and flood the land.
Like said before, a little cliche, but you could use different wording to make it stronger.
History erased
beneath the flood
The evil deeds
have been undone
A stronger image than "History erased / beneath the flood" could be used. I'm also not sure about saying the evil deeds have been undone, maybe rework that too.
The earth rises
from the dead
Giving life to the
Last
of our
Kind.
Hmm. I'm not sure how others feel, but I think this could be tweaked to give a little different meaning, maybe like "The earth risen from the dead gives life..."



Just my thoughts. :]