#1
ok, so heres a song i wrote today, and i hope you like it.
please give me some constructive crit if you would.

ok, so untitled song


Standin' in the bread line
in my pocket got a joint and a nine
tryin' hard to decide
which one will go in my mouth tonight

And I tell you I'm fine
But i guess thats just my favorite lie
If you believe me this time
I think you'd like to buy a bridge of mine


Tryin' to get a job
But I need some help so I'll try talkin' to god
But he doesn't listen no more
Let him down to many times before

So now I'm sittin' at home
And I really wish somebody would call me on the phone
But I know the phone is turned off
Bad luck is hittin' me like a flame hits a moth
**************************************************

ok, so theres my song.
crit please.
thanks a lot,
Pete
#2
Well I'll start with something positive...the first paragraph is great, all nice and original, then follows the second paragraph with the first two lines being allright, but after that I have to say you fall back on forced rhyming.

It's far too clear that you've tried hard to make the sentences rhyme, but that's no good imo. We've seen more-before and home-phone countless times before, and unless you use them in some fresh original way avoid such easy-rhyming at all times. Also, try to keep a steady amount of syllables in each sentence, don't vary it in each paragraph.

My advice would be to keep the first paragraph and practically scrap or rewrite the rest...sorry for the negative load of (sh)crit
#5
Vic DeBone, you earned yourself a nice "*reported*" for that.


Sorry, but I can't really be bothered to crit anything tonight, so here's a piece of advice.

Try writing without rhymes. Think of every other device. Metaphors, alliteration, euphamisms.

Rhymes are not the only way to tighten a piece up.