#1
as i read through this myself, im finding connections running deeper than i thought. this has been happening a lot. it is not automatic writing, but more seems to be drawn after the painting than before the sketch.

beating up your lover,
i aint a fighter or a father.
taken for granted,
granted too much.
plucking my feathers
downward to death,
there was never any touch.

sleep like state.
branches hitting her back,
i am the split oak.
leaves spit vinegar on my twigs.
everytime i get attached,
a breeze comes by making me swing.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Jan 15, 2009,
#2
i saw a bit of this in the free post thread


I've read this a few times over now. It has a distinct emotion tied to it that I can't describe. I like this. There are a few lines with what reads as clumsy rhythm, but it kind of adds a certain quality.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#3
granted to much.
"too"?

you're one of my favorite writers on here.
You have a different way with words that sets you apart from the others.

this was another intriguing one. I'll have to reread it a couple times but I liked it the first couple.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
i feel every line has an amazing connection to the one before. This is like a poem within a poem with in a poem, its so intricate and powerful. Your pieces always evoke these strong emotions, even though sometimes i read it and can't understand anything you've said. I'm going to read through this a few more times, it's like an experience.
#5
vinegar line either read awkwardly or forced, for me, one of the two, just put me off.

everything else was good ol' nick.
#6
leaves spit vinegar on my twigs.


Now that's just silly.

There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
ok this what i got out of it
i could be dead on target or way the **** off


its about a guy
who took his emotions on his girlfriend
then realized what he did
that the fault was completely his

then she's unconscious (or dead)
he thinks to himself how he cant help
from doing this to every women he gets close to

then he walks away


this was beautiful by the way
one of the best i've read in a good while
im excited to crit your next piece


you remind me of the way i write
i find deeper meaning
once i step back and look
Reaching for the sun
one may forget
the feet which
ground him
#8
its about guys who take for granted the fact they have someone to love. instead they beat and abuse all the good things in their life, that i myself do not have, because of reasons i can not control.