#1
ok, so I made a lyric for my screamo band, I have put together some of my old lyrics and tweeked them so they fit to this song, I'm not sure what to do for the 3rd verse so please help C4C

VERS 1:
keeping us in walls,
no way in or out.
will I die today?
or will I live to stay?
feeding your own lust,
with our children's blood,
your promises,
we can not trust.


REF 1:
telling lies every day,
in my eyes I can see,
that you have lost your way,
pass the torch, or you will pay.

VERS 2:
We gather, torches are lit, knives are drawn,
retaliation has finally come.
I may be small, but I'm standing tall.
Now feel my wrath as I unleash it all.

REF 2:
Bloodthirsty he hangs,
we have removed the fangs.
The bald eagle has fallen.
the big man's down.
#2
I thought it was mostly good, and the first verse was excellent, my favourite part of the piece. There are only a few lines that I don't really like. "Telling lies everyday" seems a bit bland and too direct. "Retaliation has finally come" doesn't really fit well with me, as well. Perhaps you could find a different word to replace retaliation and it might sound a bit better. The last one is "we have removed the fangs". It seems so odd and out of place to me.
New To Town With A Made Up Name

In The Angel's City

Chasing Fortune And Fame
09/03/2012
#3
Quote by Erlendhagen3
ok, so I made a lyric for my screamo band, I have put together some of my old lyrics and tweeked them so they fit to this song, I'm not sure what to do for the 3rd verse so please help C4C

VERS 1:
keeping us in walls,
no way in or out.
will I die today?
or will I live to stay?
feeding your own lust,
with our children's blood,
your promises,
we can not trust.

interesting rhyme scheme. flows quite nicely. "feeding your own lust..." interesting line. i don't really know what it entails, but it makes me want to find out.

REF 1:
telling lies every day,
in my eyes I can see,
that you have lost your way,
pass the torch, or you will pay.

this part seems a little vague. how has this person failed you? maybe expand upon this idea.

VERS 2:
We gather, torches are lit, knives are drawn,
retaliation has finally come.
I may be small, but I'm standing tall.
Now feel my wrath as I unleash it all.

not really feeling "i may be small..." kinda feels like a forced rhyme for the next line. still, what has this person done to make you come to this violence?

REF 2:
Bloodthirsty he hangs,
we have removed the fangs.
The bald eagle has fallen.
the big man's down.


if he's hanging, how is he bloodthirsty? he should be dead at this point right? i'm not really feeling the other lines here either. they seem a little weak. bald eagle? big man? the language needs more "oomph" C'mon. this is screamo. where's the rage?



overall, this piece i feel lacks depth, and emotion. but it's definitely a good start. just expand some of these ideas, maybe crack open a thesaurus. give it some balls and i'm sure it'll make an awesome song.
Member #14 of the "Claudio Sanchez is god" Club.

My Gear:
Schecter C-1 Hellraiser
Epiphone G-400
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#4
ok guys, I thank you for the crit, just so u know, it's written after a melodi so it fits, but....Can't u guys get what the song is about? I made it about something I belive is wrong, atleast the 1st verse, then I expanded the Idea, like the population Rise up and strike back.
Think about where something like this is happening in the world today, people are trapped, they're getting bombed, innocent people get killed every day.

EDIT: Retaliation fits, and I think its a better word than "vengense" "revenge", they're too cliche and used imo, and I'm thinking about changing "Telling lies every day" to "Seeping lies every day"
Last edited by Erlendhagen3 at Jan 16, 2009,
#5
....iraq?
Member #14 of the "Claudio Sanchez is god" Club.

My Gear:
Schecter C-1 Hellraiser
Epiphone G-400
Fender Precision Bass
Ibanez Exotic Wood Acoustic
Crate BX-15
Crate Palomino V16
Proco Rat 2
Dunlop 353q Crybaby
#6
Another verse would be nice, but it's pretty good. I think "retaliation has finally come" should be replaced with "retaliation has finally dawned", or something of that nature, but other than that, it's good. For the C4C, I have one still on the first page called "Let's Go To Amsterdam!". I've only got the first verse and the chorus done so far, but feedback would be appreciated...