#1
Figured I might as well post this.


Yesterday I rode a train west bound for Tampa Bay,
there was a girl I'd guess was 5'7,
jet black hair and perfect waist.
She sat along the left wall,
I sat two rows back along the right.
I could see she was wearing a nametag,
but from where I was, I couldn't read what it said.
Cross legged, doing a crossword puzzle
while she listened to her Zune,
I imagined she was listening to the Beach Boys
from the way she subtly bobbed her head.
I thought to myself "I think I'm in love",
then she reached up to put her hair
into a ponytail.
"I know I'm in love"
So I jumped up, tore my shirt off,
and grabbed the pen from her hand,
I drew a giant heart that stretched across my torso,
pointed to it and I said
"See? There's enough room for both you AND me".
It's funny what love can do to a man.
#2
I liked this idea and I though you did a good job with it. The last line was good but offputting at the same time. I get where your coming from but it didn't feel over when I read it. Maybe that's a good think. I don't know. But I figured I'd point out that the presentation, at least, was just ok for me.

Glad to read your stuff again.
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#4
Cool; I like it. The ending kind of breaks from the rest, but I guess there's no way you can subtly say that anyways..
#5
Quote by bassbeat77

Yesterday I rode a train west bound for Tampa Bay,
there was a girl I'd guess was 5'7,
jet black hair and perfect waist.
She sat along the left wall,
I sat two rows back along the right.
I could see she was wearing a nametag,
but from where I was, I couldn't read what it said.
Cross legged, doing a crossword puzzle
while she listened to her Zune,
I imagined she was listening to the Beach Boys
from the way she subtly bobbed her head.
I thought to myself "I think I'm in love",
then she reached up to put her hair
into a ponytail. <-- Description paints a good picture.
"I know I'm in love"
So I jumped up, tore my shirt off, <-- A very unexpected change, but I think that gives it more of an effect.
and grabbed the pen from her hand,
I drew a giant heart that stretched across my torso,
pointed to it and I said
"See? There's enough room for both you AND me".
It's funny what love can do to a man.


This is good. I can't really set a flow to it though. I imagine it to be spoken though, so maybe that would work.

Thanks for critting mine.
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Do you folks like folk?