#1
She cuts herself because she needs something to
believe in. She hides away to feel the sense
someone is looking for her. She questions
judgments because what she knows is different to everyone
else. She can’t stand up without leaning on
a pillar of derisiveness. So she cuts herself.

She cries each night to give her the allusion she is
on the streets. She believes in miracles because this world
has yet to claim her. She dances with shadows because they
neither know her name nor their own. She won’t surrender
because she believes she has nothing to give up. We’ll find her
cowered in a corner. So she cries at night.

We’ll ignore her because she is an insignificant dot
on our planet. We’ll sleep easy because we have no idea
she is struggling on her own. We’ll be happy that what we see
is what we want and we can get it at will. She’ll be cursing our names
and chasing the stars as they fall from the sky into her jealousy.
It’s too late to turn back the clock. So we’ll ignore her.

Sutruh t’nowees t’na cewt ahw.
Eilton seo dties uaceb ror rimehtet ahew.
So we look away.
Last edited by Dæmönika at Jan 17, 2009,
#2
Quote by Dæmönika
She cuts herself because she needs something to
believe in. She hides away to feel the sense
someone is looking for her. She questions
judgments because what she knows is different to everyone
else. She can’t stand up without leaning on
a pillar of derisiveness. So she cuts herself.


sounds pretty deep. the sentence structure i think is a 'bit murky. i had to re-read it a few times to understand it. "derisiveness" very nice word choice. Very complete thought here i think. Nicely done.

She cries each night to give her the allusion she is
on the streets. She believes in miracles because this world
has yet to claim her. She dances with shadows because they
neither know her name nor their own. She won’t surrender
because she believes she has nothing to give up. We’ll find her
cowered in a corner. So she cries at night.


I very much like this stanza. but shouldn't it be "illusion"?

We’ll ignore her because she is an insignificant dot
on our planet. We’ll sleep easy because we have no idea
she is struggling on her own. We’ll be happy that what we see
is what we want and we can get it at will. She’ll be cursing our names
and chasing the stars as they fall from the sky into her jealousy.
It’s too late to turn back the clock. So we’ll ignore her.


Sums up this piece quite nicely. shows the main character's impact. none.

Sutruh t’nowees t’na cewt ahw.
Eilton soe dties uaceb ror rimehtet ahew.
So we look away.


I have no idea what this means....lol what language is that?


overall, i really like what you've done here. Nice main focus. Nice character development. Nice imagery. not much to improve on. may i ask what genre this would be?
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#3
Apart from your gone-too-far/jump-the-shark what we want/will sentence, this was a pleasant read, my good friend.

Nice use of sonics to create sentiment

Mispelling in the second gay backward line, gay.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jan 16, 2009,
#4
This was very good, this may even have won the elite honour of being saved onto my computer, something shared only between two other pieces right now.

Although, maybe not.


My only suggestion is to put the stanza order as
she cries
we ignore
she cuts
we look away

as the order then tells more of a story (she is crying, people ignore her, so she cuts), and to open with self harm can only lead to a diminuendo of solid-ness of the emotional content, wheres to do it my way would be a crescendo, opening with the fragility of crying, leading up to violent behavior, fading out in the last foreign bit (which, i feel, to translate would ruin it).
#5
The only thing I didn't like here was the last stanza. The back to front sentences not only annoyed me because i had to actually reda them backwards, but it ruined this mood you were building.
#6
I really liked the way you ended each verse the way you started it. The (beware cliche!) imagery was really good, and as previously mentioned the character developement was really well done
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