#1
this is a rough draft, its about a girl

the end, it bends these shapes and calibrates
it's nauseating
post-infliction days
elfin presences
to gaze at cascades
inside to out
phantom fix
these missing pieces
in this boiling sea
voice and fears
are now invented
our green laments,
sentimental ebb and flow,
and iron albatross:
my rights to submit to
the end, with her colors messaged
to tongues and hearts
with an exclaim inaccurate
#2
lol. if you hadn't said it was about a girl...i'd be super duper confused. this piece is very deep...maybe to a fault. because i have no idea what your talking about. you describe something, but i have no idea what that thing is. albatross? ain't that a bird?

it does flow nicely, but i don't really understand the point you're trying to convey. i know you do, but some of your slower audience (like me) may not get it.
Member #14 of the "Claudio Sanchez is god" Club.

My Gear:
Schecter C-1 Hellraiser
Epiphone G-400
Fender Precision Bass
Ibanez Exotic Wood Acoustic
Crate BX-15
Crate Palomino V16
Proco Rat 2
Dunlop 353q Crybaby
#3
I'm with the guy above, if you hadn't said it was about a girl I would be also "super duper" confused lol. It does flow nicely but try to describe this girl somehow, maybe with metaphors to an iron albatross... dunno how she'll take it, but it's worth a shot lol. *I would suggest NOT comparing her to a giant seagull! I tried getting my ex back recently, compared her to a fish, a tuna at that, they don't call me Mr Smooth for nothing you know!!
I defecate all over my clothes to get extra protected
Roses are Red
Violets are Bitchin
God Dammit Woman
Get Back in the Kitchen
#4
yeah, i understand. dont worry, most of my friends who know what its about, still have trouble understanding what im describing, ill change it...some. maybe to make people understand that its about a failed relationship, but thats about it. i want people to take this as they like to, let each line stimulate their imagination
#6
yeah. the best pieces are always written vaguely so they kinda fit into the listeners experiences. i liked it. even though it kinda reminded me of a mad-lib. ol
Member #14 of the "Claudio Sanchez is god" Club.

My Gear:
Schecter C-1 Hellraiser
Epiphone G-400
Fender Precision Bass
Ibanez Exotic Wood Acoustic
Crate BX-15
Crate Palomino V16
Proco Rat 2
Dunlop 353q Crybaby