#1
sup everyone. i write songs and i am now learning how to play guitar so i can write music for them and make it as a rock star. here's the first song i wrote and i'll post the others one in a while. the others are in the making. my other threads were locked. i don't know why. i read the rules and it was just same old stuff. no cussing, no swearing, that stuff. if this is locked again mods please explain in detail why. and if this one is okay then tell my why my other threads were locked so i don't repeat the same mistake and get banned.


Get Me Outta this Place

(scream)Your kingdom's crumb/ling
beneath the atmosphere
and you can't do any/thing... about it!

(normal)(chorus)But just try and find
the good in things,
sometimes it's hard,
but I think you'll make it through.

(scream)Your friends went against you,
they stabbed you in the back,
and you can't do any/thing... to change it!

(back to chorus)

(normal)Sometimes you lose your way
and it's hard to get back on track,
but don't give up (screamo Never give up!!!)
'cause all that hard work,
all that that eeefort was for nothing (screamo nothing!!!!)

(back to chorus)

(whisper)Get me outta this place…
(louder)Get me outta this place…
(louder)Get me outta this place…
(scream)Get me outta this place…
(scream)Get me the f*** outta this place!

(normal)I'll never find the good in things
my kingdom will fall
(scream I'll lose my friends)
but I don't care about any of it. (screamo any of it)

(normal)Because in the end
I may have lost the battle
(scream but I won the Waaaaaaaaaaaaar!)
because I found what
I was looking foooooooooooorrrrrrr
Last edited by lightafterdark at Jan 19, 2009,
#2
DONT CALL IT SCREAMO!! If it's just screaming, it doesnt automatically make it SCREAMING EMO!
#4
Quote by Cheesepuff
DONT CALL IT SCREAMO!! If it's just screaming, it doesnt automatically make it SCREAMING EMO!


I do agree, just edit it and get rid of the quiet, scream louder marks.
Souns good though..
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#6
What are you expecting when you posted this? Where you honestly thinking that yeah, I think people will really dig this. They won't notice the cheesy wording. The daft, extended "screamo's" and the just downright boring layout to the song?
There is nothing here for me to criticise without coming across as being a cruel douche. Everything is the same. Every line evokes the exact same, emotionless feeling of the previous one, and the one following it.
Liven the piece up by throwing in metaphors, similes, onomatopoeia, alliteration, imagery, textures. There are so many directions you can take with writing and all you have done is write down the most over-the-top nonsensical, fake anger and desperation that crops into your head.
I realise there is a lot of shit on this place - anywhere for that matter - and it takes time and effort to ciphon through the tack to get the smack. But once in a while, there is such utter bollocks that you have to say something.
I cringed at this. I strongly recommend reading the pieces from the likes of; we have sound, bassbeat77, Jiminizzle, freshtunes, Hesh, carmel_I and Ninjamonkey676
and compare it to yours.
I'm not saying you should copy those people. Far from it. I'm trying to help you understand the depths there can be in writing. Branch out. Avoid the cliches. And don't write bollocks unless it's supposed to be bollocks.

Sorry for being so cruel and forward, mate. There is no personal attack involved, at all.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Jan 19, 2009,
#7
I agree with AGoldfish, not that my pieces aren't sometimes poorly laid out etc. sometimes we all do it, back to the drawing board, sorry
#8
wow, wasn't expecting that. but thanks for being honest guys. and i just started writing. that was my first piece. and the other one was my second piece, and i wrote a third that i will post when the post limit is up. i'll see if i can't improve! I really want to make it as a rock star more than anything in the world. i want to be the next big thing in music. i want to make a difference with my music.
Last edited by lightafterdark at Jan 20, 2009,