#1
the yellowed bone held still through his septum
shone soft with sunlight
and through the dry air you could see his eyes
reflect the shimmer of sea tides.
he sat on shore
spine straight to stony head
with yellow sand stuck between naked toes
and lotus legs.
black ink crumpled
in the crevices of his forehead
covering a mind still wandering,
sparkle showing without a word said.
his ears all-hearing
and smile all-knowing
and through his voice
projected; everything.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#2
This is amazing, absolutely amazing. I read this twice without even thinking. Then i read it again trying to find something, anything wrong with it. I found nothing. This is beautiful. The soft rhymes, the flow, the alliteration. Amaing, really amazing. The first piece of yours to blow me away. Wow.
#3
waheyy!


ohh

"without a word said."
"without a single word said." get an extra "s" in there?
#4
What is it with you and your damn colors?

This was lovely.

reflect the shimmer of sea tides.
I didn't like the combination of alliteration and rhyme in this line. I think you could have one or the other, but not both. The emphasis for me lands on "tides", but alliteration emphasises "sea", which just reads a tad bit bumpy.

Other than that, this was technically flawless, and very enjoyable to read.
#5
damn that ****s..........beautiful


that's all,
nothing bad to say
Reaching for the sun
one may forget
the feet which
ground him
#6
Quote by DigUpHerBones

with yellow sand stuck between naked toes
and lotus legs.
black ink crumpled
in the crevices of his forehead
covering a mind still wandering,
sparkle showing without a word said.


These lines are excellent. A few parts in the piece kind of stumble, but it continues to pick itself back up. Very nice work.
#8
Thank you. It really does mean a lot.

With the stumbling... what parts in particular? I find the continuous feeling on 'yellow sand stuck between' and the 'still' on the first line slightly so but was assured otherwise, so I didn't edit it.

After Tuesday I will be able to afford a critique rampage.

/buggers off back to revision-land
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#9
There's nothing significantly wrong with the rhythm. It starts off a bit heavy and a few lines seem to be lacking the syllable or two that would make them comfortable (he sat on shore/spine straight to stony head).

Those only caught me on first read.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Jan 18, 2009,
#10
Thank you
I'll work on it.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
I thought "and lotus legs" was weird on its own. That break really broke the read in half for me... I didn't like that it tore off the main thing this had going for it; which was it was pulling my eyes down the page.

The rest is really just gorgeous. I was going to come in and give you a big critique because I owe you a few; but this is a rare moment where I think the type of style you've created for yourself has peaked into a shimmer of prettiness. It is perfect? No. Could it be improved? Probably. Could I help you do that? No. Right now you are at the limitations of your own control on words; and for where you stand right now... this is perfection. Will it be perfection for tomorrow; once you've written more? No. But for now; this is a slice of fried gold.