#1
kick me
cuz i'm already down
i put on a mask and act ok
leave me
don't try to fix things
you'll just break me again

breaking a heart
doesnt make a sound
broken pieces scatter the ground
two seats away,
could have been a thousand miles.
mocking lips and sinister smiles

so long
your lies were sweet
but through it all still nothing more
i was wrong
convinced myself it was real
but the truth came out and now im free

breaking a heart
doesnt make a sound
broken pieces scatter the ground
two seats away,
could have been a thousand miles.
mocking lips and sinister smiles
Last edited by grayelbows at Jan 16, 2009,
#2
love the two seats away part, great visual reference for the listener.
"You can drink an ugly chick hot, but you can’t drink a fat chick skinny."

Fender: HSS Stratocaster

Modulus: 1991 Q5

Peavey:158BASS
Marshall: MG30FDX
Acoustic: B200
#3
OK first off I love the title ... it persuaded me to read this post and I'm glad I did. I love this piece. The only bad thing is people might feel that its a bit short but I think its fine. I think the best part of this is the chorus. There's nothing you could change I think its a great piece. Keep up the work
#4
kick me
cuz i'm already down
i put on a mask and act ok
leave me
don't try to fix things
you'll just break me again
i didnt like this first stanza...no flow,a tad cliche,not to much to grab on to
breaking a heart
doesnt make a sound
broken pieces scatter the ground
two seats away,
could have been a thousand miles.
mocking lips and sinister smiles
better than the first, the first two lines it seems you were too worried about rhyming
3-5 was best part of the piece
so long
your lies were sweet
but through it all still nothing more
i was wrong
convinced myself it was real
but the truth came out and now im free
this one his having some of the same difficulties that the 1st stanza had
breaking a heart
doesnt make a sound
broken pieces scatter the ground
two seats away,
could have been a thousand miles.
mocking lips and sinister smiles


i gave you constructive criticism

you gave me
Quote by grayelbows
is this from like.. star trek?



work on your critique
sometimes you learn things about your music through examining others

keep writing
it took me forever to find myself with words
you have these ideas but do you have the tools to harvest it?
idea's are all you
thats what your trying to portray
but words have to be jigsawed from a puzzle to a picture,
you might miss a few pieces

and with practice your learn how to put the puzzle together
to the extent of your ability
Reaching for the sun
one may forget
the feet which
ground him
Last edited by bigbirdfan at Jan 17, 2009,
#5
I actually like this piece.

1st stanza: The lines are short and to the point and give the listener/reader a good feel of the emotion behind the words,
however the flow of the words feels a little forced at times, like the momentum is stalled.
Maybe add on to "leave me" with "leave me here" or something along those lines.
"You'll just break me again" is also a pretty powerful line.

Chorus: "Breaking a heart / Doesn't make a sound" interesting lines and strong imagery.
Really conveys the feeling of deceit and apparently someone getting away with hurting the speaker with "mocking" intentions while leaving no trace.

These lines are a little confusing "Two seats away / Could have been a thousand miles."
They give a feeling of longing, while the rest of the piece is feeling hurt.
You may want to elaborate a little on the meaning of these lines.

2nd Stanza: "through it all still nothing more"
Is it just me or is this line missing a verb of some kind?
The purpose of this line isn't really clear to me.

"Convinced myself it was real / But the truth came out and now I'm free"
Rather strong line here and provokes some thought.

Overall good piece
Blindfolds aside I'd probably still close my eyes

And try to feel a trembling fetal life inside
that shotgun barrel that's about to make me bleed

Like an ulcer in the stomach of the beast


Quote by Aurex
your sarcasam amuses me


CSUSM
#7
Quote by grayelbows
kick me
cuz i'm already down
i put on a mask and act ok
leave me
don't try to fix things
you'll just break me again
A little empty, a bit cliche. I feel like it could be better.

breaking a heart
doesnt make a sound
broken pieces scatter the ground
two seats away,
could have been a thousand miles.
mocking lips and sinister smiles
The two seats part is good. I like it.

so long
your lies were sweet
but through it all still nothing more
i was wrong
convinced myself it was real
but the truth came out and now im free
I get what you're trying to say, but I don't think it's all that well done. It just feels a bit hollow, though I really can relate to the message

breaking a heart
doesnt make a sound
broken pieces scatter the ground
two seats away,
could have been a thousand miles.
mocking lips and sinister smiles


I liked the recurring two seats/thousand miles line, it's a nice phrase that you use well. I also liked the message and the mood of the piece. However, it's actual delivery is a little weak in my opinion. There's nothing to really sink my teeth in to. Keep writing though, and you'll find your style.
#8
thanks for the crit

i like this because in each stanza there seems to be a main point (a word or two) then you follow with two lines like that which i soemtimes do in my writing which i why i like it