#1
I waited outside Laura's house,
leaning against the Honda
that my mother didn't know I borrowed.
She wouldn't suspect innocent
little Benjamin of any harm or impulse.
It made me nervous inside,
because she was right.
No guts,
no glory.

But tonight was pretty gutsy, I must admit.
I told Laura that I'd take
her and her sister to a party and
we'd all get shitfaced.
My stomach started to churn with
the buzzkill questions that
most teenagers disregard.
Who's going to stay sober and drive?
What if there's drugs?
What if she puts out?
Does she have condoms?
Should I have gotten some?

Took a deep breath,
prayed to the God she didn't know I trusted
so fervently
and tried to convince myself that
this was a normal thing to do
as they got in the back seat.

And as I knew it would,
the courage turned to
just plain impulse,
haunted
by the image
of her dilluted, drunk body,
telling me she
loved me
loved me,
kissed me
and wanted to fuck me

The light turned red, and
I made that rookie mistake.
I slammed my foot
on what I thought was the brake,
flew into traffic
and died looking very unheroic.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Jan 17, 2009,
#2
This was highly enjoyable, with some very clever line breaks. The ending made me smile (i crashed into a drain by doing the same thing). I might come back to nitpick.
#3
But tonight was pretty gutsy, I must admit.

'But tonight I was being pretty gutsy', perhaps?

most teenagers disregard.

Doesn't need to be a full stop.

What if there's drugs?
What if she puts out?
Does she have condoms?
Should I have gotten some?

Perhaps some stronger assonance?

kissed me

These four lines are lovely, but this line doesn't make sense. She told you that she'd kissed you? Exactly.

I think that the ending was kind of a different genre (I use the word because I can think of no other) to the rest of it. It would work better, I think, if it was just a different tone. 'On what I thought was the break' was perfect, but there seemed to be some more complexity to how you were going to lay the last stanza out (built up from there being a full stop in just the second line of the stanza) and it made the ending feel anti climatic.


Some of this is ruddy well wonderful, and I enjoyed it all, just think it could be even better.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
I waited outside Laura's house,
leaning against the Honda
that my mother didn't know I borrowed.
She wouldn't suspect innocent
little Benjamin of any harm or impulse.
It made me nervous inside,
because she was right.
No guts,
no glory.
This was really good, because you managed to set up the character and start a story. The only problem was that there wasn't anything particularly interesting in how you told your story. Oh, one thing. The line break between lines 4 and 5 was weird. I would put the two adjectives on one line.
But tonight was pretty gutsy, I must admit.
I told Laura that I'd take
her and her sister to a party and
we'd all get shitfaced.
My stomach started to churn with
the buzzkill questions that
most teenagers disregard.
Who's going to stay sober and drive?
What if there's drugs?
What if she puts out?
Does she have condoms?
Should I have gotten some?
Again, you advanced the story and developed the character. This stanza was better to me than the first one because you used the repeating question form to indicate escalating nervousness and uncertainty.
Took a deep breath,
prayed to the God she didn't know I trusted
so fervently
and tried to convince myself that
this was a normal thing to do
as they got in the back seat.
Meh. I didn't like the lack of a pronoun in the first line. The line break between 2 and 3 was good at emphasizing emotion but didn't do much for the flow.
And as I knew it would,
the courage turned to
just plain impulse,
haunted
by the image
of her dilluted, drunk body,
telling me she
loved me
loved me,
kissed me
and wanted to fuck me
Ah, things take a sinister twist. Either get rid of the repeated "loved me" or put a period after the first one. The image "diluted drunk body" didn't do too much for me. The internal me/she rhyme was icky.
The light turned red, and
I made that rookie mistake.
I slammed my foot
on what I thought was the brake,
flew into traffic
and died looking very unheroic.
My fav stanza of the bunch.


Overall, I liked. You told a funny story very simply, and never really lost your focus. I especially liked the careful development of the protagonist. Some of the wordings and line breaks were a little off, but I was being picky throughout most of it. Nice.
Thanks for the crit btw!
#5
Can't help but feel the ending didn't carry quite enough impact. I love the idea of it. Love it. But its too sudden.... it never even hit for me. Not even a delayed hit... it just didn't catch me. The build up was so fervent... and the way the ending was written... it seemed like a little kid reading in front of a class... really fast and quiet. Where it needed its own sense of urgency to really deliver a solid pop. I love this style... and I feel it really suits your tone. Just need a little more strength in the end to deliver a swift roundhouse, Norris style.
#6
This is about as relatable as a piece can get. I absouletly feel you. It drags on a bit, yes, but that's just a personal thing. I also feel it could of been far more punchy and less detailed, but once again, I just prefer it that way.
Overall, It doesn't change the fact that I grinned stupidly at how understandable and strong this piece is. The imagery is very clear in my head and reminds of times I loved, but don't anymore. Things I regret, but don't know if I should. Or maybe things I don't regret, but should.
I think the confusion in this piece is ripe. Very insecure and descreet.

Keep pieces like this coming. I'm really enjoying them. Probably 'cause I'm me, though.
#8
Quote by noan9
very bad.... learn to write!!!!!


Care to explain?

EDIT: Thanks for the advice, everybody else. Dan, I will return the crit soon.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Jan 21, 2009,
#9
Some of the line breaks are odd, but that kind of helped build tension/emotion. Overall, I liked it, but I think, as already stated, that the end was a bit sudden. It kind of just went by, if you know what I mean
#10
I really like that almost-ending part:

"The light turned red, and
I made that rookie mistake.
I slammed my foot
on what I thought was the brake,"

It's super smooth and it flowed really well. I kinda read it like a Dr. Seuss story though lol... so it sounded different than what you probably imagined it to be.

Good job nonetheless.
#11
I like it, but it has to have the right riffing to make it work. A song with basically three phases and an instrumental part to introduce each is how I'd imagine it. Phase 1) Thinking on the Honda 2) The action, at the party. 3) Disaster that ended your party.

That is how I interpret it, but I listen to music that even in 4 to five minute songs they turn in phrases as well as verse/chorus so that may be why. I think the song builds more and more as you get into it and if written right with music, you won't have to tamper with the lyrics for perfect flow. When it peaks at the end is the best I've read in a long time, however the beginning part is meh-ish with the internal flow I composed.

A few tips though, I like the assonance part (whether you realized you wrote it or not witht he questions) but I'd just nixx the last two because it ruins the feeling it creates to read them (maybe your trying to get an attention buzzkill? lol) and take out the 'kissed me' before 'she wanted to **** me'

Great song, I'd love to hear it sometime when its' done.

If you'd like to C4C, please look for Memory Lane
#15
I thought the pace changed very rapidly, with the beginning being very relatable and the end just being thrown at you without enough room for proper impact. The beginning was so, so good.. It was simple but so honest. I felt immersed in the character. The ending, while not bad at all, just didn't have the same charm. Maybe if you added another stanza before it?

Anyway, it's your's, and it's just a thought. Overall though, great, very enjoyable.
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#16
At first I was like, eh... teenagers... but at the end I was like, ah! The ending made the piece - for me anyways since I can't relate to any of the feelings here...

lol noan9... sigged for making me laugh my ass off.