#1
i begin to roll cigarette after cigarette
thinking about how this sticky strip
on the top of this paper is a lot like myself.
people come closer and closer,
they are ingrediants in my smoke.
rolling up similar to a sleeve.
reaching the paper is dissapointing.
they find out im not too sticky after all.
so now there can be no cigarette,
and i am useless.
Last edited by freshtunes at Jan 18, 2009,
#2
Be more abstract, don't explain every line, make it so you have to think about the lyrics

Still, very good =]
#3
Quote by MrToucan
Be more abstract, don't explain every line, make it so you have to think about the lyrics


i thought it was excellent.

know that whenever i'm on here you are one of the first people i explore in terms of recently posted threads.
#4
I like this, the subtext is super.

Although
, I don't think I'm a dead cert fan of the repetition, it made some of the ideas circular in a bad way. (Like when you are running away from something and ever turn you make only seems to take you back to the beginning, and all you want is to move on, get somewhere.)
#5
it is circular for a reason, too demonstrate the feeling of not being able to get out of a cycle. thanks guys.
#6
The metaphor was fine. Can't say it provided too much excitement.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#7
That is why I really need to spend time interpreting pieces on here, rather than just reading, getting the meaning, and posting singularly literary critiques.

fck.


Although, maybe i dismissed this for the same reason the user above did; it was 8 or so lines about one metaphor, it felt all too tightly packed. you were on the border between going full out with the euphemism and leaving it a simple simile.

or maybe now i am reading too deeply into this, without actually reading too deeply.


fck.


you certainly have a distinct style, and the pieces are always nicely distanced. and, i find myself only repeating what skagitup said; "whenever i'm on here you are one of the first people i explore in terms of recently posted threads."
Last edited by ginjaninja at Jan 18, 2009,