#1
(I won’t let you down again, I promise)
*edited*

the wolf

aluminum outfits
reduced to alchemy
the cacophony
of absolute euphony
rings out
the night soon
in the jaws of the howl

trail markers
construct the horizon
streetlights bright
against the snow

metal flesh soft
sallow men cross the hearts
with shears
slit the stomach and arms
white hot

headlights make the shadows tall
the door scraps fall
lanterns beacon
the unconditional

windows open ears
listen to the impossible bleating
a woman crying,
the cracklehiss of tears freezing to cheeks,
they peel his forehead from the leather
and place the soaking
skin safe inside her maw

I secure the drapes
but the moon somehow brushes my face
when I dream tonight I dream of
the exhaust rising in clumps behind her legs
like blood separating from water
Last edited by #1 synth at Jan 26, 2009,
#2
I can't believe this hasn't been commented on yet.

aluminum outfits
reduced to alchemy
the cacophony
of absolute euphony
rings out
and the sirens

I like it. The juxtaposition of "cacophony" / "euphony" was interesting. I'm not sure I dig "and the sirens", could've been worked in better. Mostly this sounds nice when read aloud, more so than some of your previous works.

trail markers
create the horizon
streetlights bright
against the snow

I'm not sure how trail markers would create the horizon -- I'd think they'd complement the horizon. But alas, who am I to criticize that, as the image you create here is strong despite only using a few words.

they cross the hearts
of the metal flesh
the jaws of life
slit the stomach and arms
white hot

I liked the "cross the hearts" and then "jaws of life", because generally when you cross a heart, you hope to die. I dunno if that was intentional at all (doubtful), but it made me grin. This was a pretty gruesome image here.

headlights make the shadows tall
the door scraps fall
headlamps beacon

Didn't dig "headlights"/"headlamps". Other than that though this section is pretty ace.

the window
looking down
sheep bleating
they peal his forehead from the leather
and place the bleeding
skin inside her maw

I think you meant to say "peel", I can't imagine a meaning where "peal" would be appropriate here. I feel like the line including that ruins the pseudo-meter you had going here, too many syllables. This created a haunting image again.

I shut the drapes
it is time for me to sleep

Great ending. The contrast of "sheep" in the previous stanza and "sleep" here was well done.

I may be completely off but I imagined this to be about a young boy who goes hunting with his family or something, and the contrast of the beautiful scene with the horror of an animal being shot and skinned was pretty perfectly done. I enjoyed this a lot.

Check out my latest if you feel generous
#3
Each stanza is beautifully crafted and the way you use contrasting imagery to fill out this scene and story is truely inspiring. I love reading this aloud, the words just roll off the tongue.
#4
Well what can I say... At first I wasn't sure what you were going for here, and then something clicked. I don't know if it's a good piece to be honest, it's too soon to judge for me, I need to read it again later. But I can say it's the most interesting piece I've read from you, perhaps ever.

I honestly don't know if this is what you meant to create but the contradiction and utterly impossible wording you chose has left me bewildered in a very good way.

Quote by #1 synth

aluminum outfits
reduced to alchemy
the cacophony
of absolute euphony

rings out
and the sirens


I read "reduced to alchemy" first and thought, alchemy is such a complex process even from a hypothetical point of view, how can anything be reduced to it? And then when I hit cacophony/euphony, I started getting your play on the impossible, the contradiction within everything.


trail markers
create
the horizon
streetlights bright
against the snow


Again here, something that trails cannot create, but yet it does. This is why I love this line and understood it in a completely different manner than Corey did. Same with something that is bright against the snow, when surely few things are.

they cross the hearts
of the metal flesh
the jaws of life
slit the stomach and arms
white hot


I thought the latter part of this stanza could have been stronger, perhaps even more violent in the wording you chose, but I did like the idea behind it.

headlights make the shadows tall
the door scraps fall
headlamps beacon


I liked the rhyme and the rhythm it created and I thought it came at a very important point in the piece. It worked very well.


the window
looking down
sheep bleating
they peal his forehead from the leather
and place the bleeding
skin inside her maw


Very poignant description. I think it was done well, but if I had to say anything I would say that up until now I did not miss punctuation in the piece at all as it was set very well, but here I did think it was missing.


-
I shut the drapes
it is time for me to sleep


A fitting ending.



I probably can say a lot more, but I think I'll leave it for now. If you want more, PM me and I'll gladly oblige.
This is not a pipe
#5
I probably have thought this piece out more carefully than any piece in a very long while. I don't know if it is a good piece either. The "Cross your heart and hope to die" was intentionally implied because it's central to the stanza and the piece. Those were two of the best critiques I've gotten in a very long time.

your guy's words mean a whole lot to me. I agree with all of your criticisms. It felt like a weight was lifted, honestly, to have a piece that both Corey and Carmel thought was good, decent, or at least respectably intriguing in both content and execution. Rest assured, I will sleep happy tonight
#8
Quote by #1 synth

aluminum outfits
reduced to alchemy
the cacophony
of absolute euphony
rings out
and the sirens

For once, I loved one of your intros. The careful placement of each word is just gorgeous. Rolls off the tongue. A bit opaque for me.. hard to immediately jump into; but the more I read it the more I love it.

trail markers
create the horizon
streetlights bright
against the snow

This I didn't dig so much. The idea of trail markers creating a horizon really bugs me... as does the streetlights. Streetlights mostly because you have 3 words with "blahlights" in here; and I felt like they brought the strength of each following use down.

they cross the hearts
of the metal flesh
the jaws of life
slit the stomach and arms
white hot

This was so much clearer. Definitely Dylan... but without all the mystical bullshit. Imagery is gritty, and I really like that. This built a real image for me; which is an amazing feat in a piece so "dylan." I don't really have any complaints about this section other than no punctuation (which follows in the rest of the piece. I feel like punctuation could really put this piece over the edge, if you can get me to pause and add some "dramaticism." Meh, you're gonna tell me to stick a rake in my ass for that comment though.

headlights make the shadows tall
the door scraps fall
headlamps beacon

double head would be good in most cases. This is not.

the window
looking down
sheep bleating
they peal his forehead from the leather
and place the bleeding
skin inside her maw

Last two lines lost me. I had an image going until that; and the last one really took me out of it. Dropped me out of my picture. Probably just a personal problem. Here, I felt like your tight execution really fell apart though. Your line breaks became predictable and less subtly pleasing. Your images weren't as finally crafted etc etc. This just stuck out as a weak point that really broke the form you've given us from the beginning. I also noticed a slight change in voice; which really makes a big difference in a piece this intense. So that could be the difference too.

-
I shut the drapes
it is time for me to sleep

God, normally I loathe when you do this... but this was just epic and gorgeous.



I kinda almost not really maybe actually liked a Dylan piece a lot. I'll be damned if I say I actually did though. So suffer through lots of kinda's.

I just wish that last stanza didn't break away so much; at least to me.


For the record, the image I got was watching a car crash outside your window... a fatal one. May or may not be right.

EDIT: just a comment on vesuvius would be appreciated.
#10
****in' siiiiiiiiick.

Adding to my collection, sir. Whether you mind or not.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#13
I didn't think this could be anymore beautiful. Turns out i was wrong. THis sent shivers up my spine.