#1
ok, so our rhythm player has been hitting on our singer. its been made clear to him that she already has a boyfriend by both her and me (and being her ex-bf, i'm kinda over-protective, as since we broke up, we've been closer than ever).
a few weeks ago after practice, he asked her if she wanted to hang out the next day. she said no.
this past friday night, he called her, asking her to hang again. she said no, again, and immediately called me asking for help.
so, bandleading forum, i ask for your help.
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#3
yeah, but i dont wanna go there just yet. i mean, its ultimately gonna be my final word (how i became the bandleader is beyond me), but i wanna try and just get through to him first. he's a nice person, just really thick-headed.
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#4
relationship thread maybe?

but i agree with empathica, tell him to cut it out or hes gone
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#5
relationship thread would work if it was a bandmate hitting on me. but ultimately, this is something that affects the band more than me.

and i thought that empathica was saying he either quits the band or gets fired. but i like the other interpretation better
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#6
tell him it's making things awkward not just for her but for you and probably the rest of band, idk how you're still playing with him because that just doesn't seem like a good band situation
#7
yeah, i dunno how he's still with us either.
i mean, he's a pretty decent rhythm player, and my leads mesh well on top of his playing. i'm pretty sure thats the only reason he's still in it.
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#8
i'm just saying that it doesn't seem like a good situation because it seems like it would be uncomfortable, and everyone should be having fun
#9
Tell singer to go out with him, that will solve all your problems

but seriously, tell him to leave her alone if she's taken.
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#10
Wow, a love triangle band! Awesome! God knows how you're still friends with your ex; over protectiveness = jealousy = you still care about her.

That said, this is not a reationship thread, it's bandleading, and this problem definately could cause bad stuff for the band. Well, until you have the "I am in love with my singer" thread, which your rhythm guitarist should make soon.

Take him aside, in a social atmosphere. Tell him that whilst the singer does like him as a friend, she isn't interested in him romantically, and that is causing problems in the band. She feels uncomfortable, you feel uncomfortable. You may want to also mention that if he cannot get over it, he'll have to leave the band because you guys want to make music, not babies.
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#11
ok, first don't tell him what she thinks, that's something that she needs to do, otherwise he's just gonna ignore you and do it anyway. your job is to make it clear to him that this could ruin the band. he may not care, but you do. tell him that if he continues to endanger the future of the band then he is going to be cut. and if he persists then cut him. no second chance, no "this is your last warning. done and gone. if he try's to say sorry and begs to be let back in, stay strong and say no, cuz it means that he didn't respect you as he didn't believe you would do it and that could also cause problems in the future.
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Last edited by Dunjma at Jan 19, 2009,
#12
I was recently in the band where the drummer was doing the same thing. The band no longer exists, almost entirely as a result of that. It would be wise to act.

T
#13
Quote by Dunjma
ok, first don't tell him what she thinks, that's something that she needs to do, otherwise he's just gonna ignore you and do it anyway. your job is to make it clear to him that this could ruin the band. he may not care, but you do. tell him that if he continues to endanger the future of the band then he is going to be cut. and if he persists then cut him. no second chance, no "this is your last warning. done and gone. if he try's to say sorry and begs to be let back in, stay strong and say no, cuz it means that he didn't respect you as he didn't believe you would do it and that could also cause problems in the future.

I disagree.... but only slightly.
Tell him exactly what she thinks about his advances and tell him that it's worrying her and that it may even cause her to leave the band.

Then tell him that if he doesn't quit hitting on her and making her feel uncomfortable, then you will be forced to replace him.
#14
Quote by AlanHB
Wow, a love triangle band! Awesome! God knows how you're still friends with your ex; over protectiveness = jealousy = you still care about her.

yes, i do care about her, but not in a bf/gf kind of way. we're actually closer than that now. i dunno. we were great friends before, and so it just kinda happened that we'd be great friends afterwards.

Quote by SlackerBabbath
I disagree.... but only slightly.
Tell him exactly what she thinks about his advances and tell him that it's worrying her and that it may even cause her to leave the band.

Then tell him that if he doesn't quit hitting on her and making her feel uncomfortable, then you will be forced to replace him.

yeah, i'm pretty sure that that's where its gonna have to go at this point.
he hasnt done it in a few days at this point, but if he does it one more time, i'm gonna have to do that. its starting to get on everybody's nerves. even our drummer is getting annoyed at this point. it doesnt really affect him (he's busy texting when we're not playing), but he's my good buddy, and when i'm pissed, it somehow transfers to him.
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#15
ya man, your really need to be serious about it.


even if she didnt have a bf, why would you want to date within the band? just sounds like its gonna kill your band. even if later in time and they did date, and maybe it would be good for a few months...think of what would happen once they broke up!

depending on what the dude did to her for them to ever break up you could definately say good bye to your singer..and maybe the guitarist too.

this is band suicide. tell him to cut the crap or show him the door (as if he doesnt already know where it is haha)
#16
yeah, it does sound like suicide.
thing is, this isnt even the original incarnation of the band. i'm actually the only person left in it from its roots. i just kept the name, got our singer and a drummer, and my good friend on guitar. the then guitarist and drummer left, and we got replacements for them (drummer also a friend of mine).
how any of this started, really.
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#17
Quote by SlackerBabbath
I disagree.... but only slightly.
Tell him exactly what she thinks about his advances and tell him that it's worrying her and that it may even cause her to leave the band.

you reckon? i would have thought that it would have gone down better coming from her.

you know what, it just occurred to me that it is possible that the only option would be to drop him or endure some flirting from time to time. i mean, you can't really control how you feel, and if he feels this way, it's gonna take a while to go away. you can make it clear to him that nothing is going to happen, but that doesn't mean his interest is just going to disappear.

think about the last time you ever had a thing for a girl you couldn't have (unless you've had the fortune to never be in that position). it's not the greatest feeling in the world..
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#18
Quote by Dunjma
you reckon? i would have thought that it would have gone down better coming from her.

I do, as band leader, it's up to him to handle any grievances about a fellow band member brought to him by another band member, and this is exactly what's happend.
Quote by Dunjma

you know what, it just occurred to me that it is possible that the only option would be to drop him or endure some flirting from time to time. i mean, you can't really control how you feel, and if he feels this way, it's gonna take a while to go away. you can make it clear to him that nothing is going to happen, but that doesn't mean his interest is just going to disappear.

think about the last time you ever had a thing for a girl you couldn't have (unless you've had the fortune to never be in that position). it's not the greatest feeling in the world..

Well it's always worth considering, but to be fair, you should always give fair warning first before sacking someone and give them the chance to improve matters, and besides, although it's practicaly impossible to control your feelings, it is quite easy to simply not act upon those feelings, especialy when you know those feelings are not reciprocated and that the object of those feeling is already involved with someone.
#20
Quote by meakel
Get the singer to explain it to him. That'll probably be more effective than you doing it.

This, and I don't really agree with relationships inside bands, but eh, that's your problem (or not )

If he still insists, just tell him to stop it or leave the band
#21
To be honest, I would get rid of the girl and find one that doesn't mind getting tag-teamed by the band....


j/k


....or am I?
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#22
Quote by Guitartist
To be honest, I would get rid of the girl and find one that doesn't mind getting tag-teamed by the band....


j/k


....or am I?

wtf?
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#24


Wait, so let me get this straight. You and your ex girlfriend are in a band together, and now your friend who is the rhythm player and hes diggin on your ex? Okay, this is a mess in a number of way.

1) Why are you in a band with your ex girlfriend? Nobody breaks up and becomes "closer than ever"... that only happens in Friends (which is a bad ripoff of Seinfeld and not nearly as funny). You obviously still have feelings for her, everyone can read it on your face and no one can even see you ! And you are now her "male confidant", meaning that she will run to you in the blink of an eye with her problems, but won't get back with you even if you told her you were still madly in love with her. That has disaster written on it, and I haven't even gotten to the rhythm player yet.

2) Now you're ex is pissed at your friend for hitting on her repeatedly, you are pissed at your friend for hitting on your ex repeatedly because you secretly are still in love with her, and you're friend is just clueless to everything.

Basically, I see this all imploding with the rhythm player leaving on bad terms (possibly ruining your friendship), and you will be stuck with an inner turmoil because you are in love with your unavailable ex girlfriend who happens to be your band mate....

Yikes
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Last edited by trey-col89 at Jan 21, 2009,
#25
Quote by trey-col89
:
1) Why are you in a band with your ex girlfriend? Nobody breaks up and becomes "closer than ever"... that only happens in Friends (which is a bad ripoff of Seinfeld and not nearly as funny). You obviously still have feelings for her, everyone can read it on your face and no one can even see you

2) Now you're ex is pissed at your friend for hitting on her repeatedly, you are pissed at your friend for hitting on your ex repeatedly because you secretly are still in love with her, and you're friend is just clueless to everything


You are either very young and/or have limited experience with relationships. I have more then one ex-girlfriend that I am good friends with now, better then we were. You can care about someone without having "feelings" for them.

Anyway, she needs to tell him she is uncomfortable with what he is doing, and then he will either stop or you need to kick him out of the band. If i was in the situation I would rather have the girl tell me then you.
#26
I am actually not that young, and I am being serious. Maybe in high school you can still remain friends with your ex just because you have to see them in school everyday, but once you get out of high school, I don't know anyone whose become "better friends" with their girlfriend once they break up. Nor do I understand why anyone would want to, maybe I'm just cynical about relationships, or maybe you're just an idealist, maybe both, but I stand by what I said.
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#27
Quote by trey-col89
I am actually not that young, and I am being serious. Maybe in high school you can still remain friends with your ex just because you have to see them in school everyday, but once you get out of high school, I don't know anyone whose become "better friends" with their girlfriend once they break up. Nor do I understand why anyone would want to, maybe I'm just cynical about relationships, or maybe you're just an idealist, maybe both, but I stand by what I said.


Seriously, TS is just being jealous and if his ex-GF can dump him, she can dump the other guy
#29
Quote by trey-col89


Wait, so let me get this straight. You and your ex girlfriend are in a band together, and now your friend who is the rhythm player and hes diggin on your ex? Okay, this is a mess in a number of way.

1) Why are you in a band with your ex girlfriend? Nobody breaks up and becomes "closer than ever"... that only happens in Friends (which is a bad ripoff of Seinfeld and not nearly as funny). You obviously still have feelings for her, everyone can read it on your face and no one can even see you ! And you are now her "male confidant", meaning that she will run to you in the blink of an eye with her problems, but won't get back with you even if you told her you were still madly in love with her. That has disaster written on it, and I haven't even gotten to the rhythm player yet.

ok, first, you dont know a thing about me. i dont even go to the same school as her anymore. and we were broke up about 2 years ago. so yeah.
i also dont want to get back with her. there was a long period of time afterwards that i did, ill admit, but not at this point. i'm over that part of my life, and moved on, as has she.

Quote by trey-col89
2) Now you're ex is pissed at your friend for hitting on her repeatedly, you are pissed at your friend for hitting on your ex repeatedly because you secretly are still in love with her, and you're friend is just clueless to everything.

Basically, I see this all imploding with the rhythm player leaving on bad terms (possibly ruining your friendship), and you will be stuck with an inner turmoil because you are in love with your unavailable ex girlfriend who happens to be your band mate....

now i'll deal with this issue.
yes, we are both pissed at the rhythm player.
but frankly, he's not really my friend. he's a friend of a former member of the band, actually, and after that guy left, this dude stayed. so in reality, it wouldnt be that big of a deal if he left. i just want to at least keep him under control until after we do our recording. then, i dont care what happens to him.


as another note, do you think i'd be stupid enough to ask my ex to be my singer, after she was already taken by somebody else, if i still liked her like that? no, no i wouldnt. i'd have the common sense not to, because i dont want awkwardness in the band. that would suck. bigtime.

and to blueriver:
yeah, i can see why you'd rather have the singer tell you. but when she's not onstage, she's usually a pretty shy person, and hates confrontation.
go figure
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#30
I'm just busting your balls dude, no need to freak. I was going to make a Fleetwood Mac joke... but I've chewed you up enough.

If the rhythm player isn't really your friend, kick him out? I'm sure you can find a guitarist of equal or better ability in a few days.
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#31
wasnt freaking. just trying to make you understand better.
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#32
you need to tell him to stop obsessing over the singer because that is just wrong on its own. tell him if he doesnt stop it then he's gone. when it comes to recordings you can just play over the lead parts or vice versa so you don't really need two.
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