#1

Enter, ghost; a poet’s heart
has laid in wait; inlaid with parts
that don’t quite fit and ticked
its way back to the start.

She’s a dancer who owns elastic and
translucent tones of lucid skin, covering
easily breakable bones; bending
her movement to his heart of chrome.

Each night she falls asleep, she turns
to ashes in her sheets and her bed
is the sullied ground to his feet, blending
with dirt that feels like she is.

Enter, friend; a gentle wind
has taken hold of what’s within
a poet’s mind and blew away
his thoughts back to the start.



This is not a pipe
#5
She’s a dancer who owns elastic and
translucent tones of lucid skin, covering
easily breakable bones; bending
her movement to his heart of chrome.
This was so incredibly beautiful.

I got this calming sense from the entire thing, that no matter what happens, the cycle continues. I loved it.
#8
well, after reading "beautiful" about 5 times on this thread so far, i'm compelled to say something, even if others might disagree with me:
I personally thought the flow was a little off when i read it out loud. i had to insert pauses in order for it to sound natural.

"to ashes in her sheets (I think a comma here might help) and her bed
is the sullied ground to his feet, blending"
... That's it, I guess. The second stanza was really stellar. Great job.
#9
if its possible to make love to this im first
we're all fake until we choose to die
poisoned by love and twisted lie's
#11
Excellent, not seen anything like this in, well ages! You can do something I could never dream off, thankyou for sharing it with us...
#12
I like how you're not a hypocrite, Carmel. Emotion is a valuable, yet overused resource in much of what we read, and is so forceful sometimes that it's very existence detracts from the piece itself, if not, too, from the credibility of the writer and their filtering abilities of keeping everything together - both inside and out.

Simple fact is wonderful because we're laying out the groundwork for solid concepts and ideals - and even if they are unreasonable, they are still somewhat attainable depending on those involved and their motivations. Observation is the key to any great poem - before creativity, even, because originality is merely how one expresses what they observe based on what they have observed prior to that, and my point is that you seem to have done that nicely here - putting yourself into this, but not making it about you, using tools at your disposal that improve little things about it, such as the flow in the second stanza, or the abrupt but truly conclusive feeling of having come full circle, as I felt as this ended.
#14
I agree with Ninjamonkey76 , it's very calming, but for some inexplicable reason, the second stanza made me shiver. It was slightly unpleasant, but I'm not sure why. I think it might have the imagery of "breakable bones", but either way, that's my little.... irk out of the way

It is quite well written and the way it does indeed flow and almost seem cyclical were quite nice. The way the first and last stanzas linked up thematically (even within the poem itself) was great. I'm a sucker for the whole "back to the start" idea and this was just a pleasant little read.
#16
Well written here, even if the flow seems a little of in places here and there.

And for not knowing what to say... sometimes it's best to say nothing?
#18
Quote by kunvulshuns
Well written here, even if the flow seems a little of in places here and there.

And for not knowing what to say... sometimes it's best to say nothing?


My intention was to say I didn't know what to say other than thanks. I don't appreciate you implying I should have just shut up, as I meant it ever so honestly when I thanked everyone for their compliments and good words on the piece.
This is not a pipe
#20
Quote by carmel_l
My intention was to say I didn't know what to say other than thanks. I don't appreciate you implying I should have just shut up, as I meant it ever so honestly when I thanked everyone for their compliments and good words on the piece.


*blink* wow... think that little line pushed a button that wasn't intended to be pushed. Sincerest apologies.

*runs away*
#21
I have a little bit of a problem with 'bending her movement'.
Otherwise, yeah, I enjoyed this. Calming.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#25
Quote by lightafterdark
hey i don't know if u saw my other post but i really wanna know where it came from. what sparked the idea 4 it?


I don't really tend to explain my pieces or what they're about. Where it came from? From certain feelings I had at the time, from ideas that ran around in my head... I really couldn't tell you specifically.


Hey Dylan.
This is not a pipe
#26
EDIT: prick.


this was like one of those dinners where you think you can eat it all then you get half way through and get full. im not saying i only read the first half...more...it was very full.

c4c, headrush


im sorry.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Jan 20, 2009,
#27
Quote by carmel_l
My intention was to say I didn't know what to say other than thanks. I don't appreciate you implying I should have just shut up, as I meant it ever so honestly when I thanked everyone for their compliments and good words on the piece.


This post seriously made me laugh out loud.

I can't really add anything most of the others haven't already said. The tone was solid throughout, and very calming. I appreciate seeing people around here pay attention to traditional poetic structure every once in a while, even if I never do.

If I must be critical (and I must), I agree with the other person who said that your word choice and enjambment made this flow rather oddly, especially when read aloud. Especially "bending her movement", as others have noted, was awkward.

Very nice read in all, though.
#28
I don't know what to say except a genuine well done; especially for that second verse of yours; the description was wonderful and very structured. It was professionally executed. But the line breaks (enjambment) didn't fit in context with the actually poem itself, that's its only flaw here.

A superb write.