#1
We have named the seasons
To fit our needs, attached titles
Given with false reasons.
We have named the nameless
We have fathomed the fathomless.
We have conversed with the sun
And thanked her for the light
We have mocked the moon
And cursed him for the night.
Man cannot fathom.
We cannot understand.
The sun has spoken
And her words came swift.
“Do not break away,
Do not reject this gift.”
And we are now listening.
And we are not listening.


I wrote this for a portfolio we had to do for school and one poem needed a rhyme scheme. I generally try to avoid those because I find that they confine creativity as there are only so many words that can rhyme with another. However, I feel that the rhyme scheme didn't detract too much from this.

Crit for Crit.
Quote by Mike Birbiglia
I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!


Do you folks like folk?
#2
..And thanked her for the light

So the sun is a female? lol jk nice. I remember back in high school, English class to be exact. We were given a buncha words that have nothing in common and we had to write a piece that involved all of those words.
Hmm.. maybe a bit too much "fathom" in the poem though lol

In my world, the color RED doesn't exist.

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Last edited by Andragon at Jan 19, 2009,
#4
We have named the seasons
To fit our needs, attached titles
Given with false reasons.
We have named the nameless <--- This line is kind of bland and redundant.
We have fathomed the fathomless. <--- This line is just kind of bland, it sounds amateurish. Plus it seems to contradict the line you have later that says "man cannot fathom". If you're intent on using "fathom" then I'd use the one you have later on and use something else here.
We have conversed with the sun
And thanked her for the light
We have mocked the moon
And cursed him for the night.
Man cannot fathom.
We cannot understand.
The sun has spoken <--- This line seems unnecessary, because we already know the sun has spoken because you told us you've conversed with it.
And her words came swift.
“Do not break away,
Do not reject this gift.”
And we are now listening.
And we are not listening. <--- These last two lines don't help the poem at all. It feels like they were tacked on to give it a false sense of depth.

I do think this has a lot of potential, just needs some tweaking. Not bad though.

Here's my latest: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1047275