#1



die the hundredth death, hundredth man
and kill the others
all fucking lot of them
whiskey death and blue death and
beer breath death
and clean instrumental
clinical death.

i live above a wineshack
with the shackjob
drinking wine
acting older
than we are.
they don't spare us any pennies
any more.

she got me drunk to tell me that
there had been ninety nine others
while i was at work
or out driving
or with my friends
and she counted them all out from a
little black book
names for every
single
one.

i was half dead
watching her
some of the names made her smile
some made her frown
i needed another drink
and the world was starting to look
really quite dark
so i took the book from her
before she was even half way
tore out the pages
very solemnly
letting each one fall
to the floor.

when i told her that i'd never feel a heartbreak like it
she said i would always be her hundredth man
but that didn't help at all.






love is a dog from hell.



#3
this builds perfectly, and the character of the narrator is wonderfully defined. this is a very solid piece.
#4
I thought the opening stanza ran too long, to be honest. More thematically than anything, but parts of it were a bit redundant in the scheme of the entire piece.

I thought you picked up in the second though. It was very you and it felt very honest and clear cut, which I like about your writing.

I liked the coming full circle in the end, which is why I thought the opening should have been as short and as to the point as the last stanza.

It's a solid piece, I just think you got a bit distracted by the great idea and should have driven the story a bit faster in the beginning.

Still love your writing.
This is not a pipe
#5
"and kill the others
all fucking lot of them"

only two bad lines here, in my opinion. these two lines don't say anything the first line don't, if the hundredth man dies the hundredth death, then the others have been killed, the lot of em. you know what I mean?

"before she was even half way"

I felt like there needed to be a "through" or "done" at the end of that.

I feel like the first two stanzas could've been removed (except maybe the first line) and this would've been just as awesome though. not that they're bad, I just don't feel they add too much.

don't get me wrong though, this is a spectacular premise with spectacular follow through and I enjoyed it quite a bit.