#1
Remember Saturday?

*This song is about a couple, who have been through hell lately, she has cheated on him with his friend, and after they get back together (realising they love each other) he tries to come to terms with what she's done and if he'll ever get over it. I'm not a great writer but I try*


For those six months,

We were a train just waiting to crash,
Only didn't know what would cause it,
Or how we would handle the emergency,
Ambulance sirens and adrenaline,

Peice by peice I'm working it out,
Bit by Bit I'm moving on, she said to me,
"Work it out I'm sure you'll get over it",
"Work it otu and I'm sure you'll move on",

It was only three days, but it lives for eternity,
And how I love you so, I can't help thinking though,
How you didn't love,
Though we're together now, I just hope somehow,
I can forget things and move on,

Momma said "son, people can be cruel",
"But that's life, you'll learn to live with it",
Peice by peice I'm working it out,
Bit by Bit I'm moving on,
"Work it out I'm sure you'll get over it",

It was only three days, but it lives for eternity,
And how I love you so, I can't help thinking though,
How you didn't love,
Though we're together now, I just hope somehow,
I can forget things and move on,

"People can be cruel, son" she said,
"Just give as damn good as you get",
Now I've reached inside, I can't run and hide,
Should I face it or give in, like saturday?


More for me than anyone, speaking from personal experience and nothing else has got it off my chest so, song time! Well tell me what you think, it makes me all warm and fuzzy

EDIT : I forgot to mention that I have included words my mother actually told me whilst I was going through this phase, I thought it was a fairly cool and original idea, (well not original!)

EDIT II : I've updated some bits of the song, it's not a huge revision so I didn't wait to repost it, thanks for all the help guys. If you leave a link I'll do C4C obviously.
Last edited by Jonny295 at Jan 20, 2009,
#2
i like this to me it related to how everyone says its life and i hate that good job mate
we're all fake until we choose to die
poisoned by love and twisted lie's
#3
I don't know why you've put yourself down, mate. This is not to be bad at all. I enjoyed it.
I can hit this up properly if you like?
Not right now, though. I'm shattered.
#4
thats sweet bro.
the very first or second line doesnt make sense. a trainwreck has already crashed so theres no waiting.
Maybe-A train waiing to crash. or- a trainwreck waiting to happen.

having the quotes of ur mother is really cool too. I like it.
Hey!Everyone!
Come and See how good I look!



You Stay Classy, Ultimate Guitar
#5
Quote by Jonny295

For those six months,

We were a train wreck just waiting to crash,
As far as I know, train wrecks don't crash, trains do, but a train wreck is just the result of a train crash... I think you need to work on the imagery a bit. I do like the premise in this opening though.
Just didn't know what would cause it,
Or how we would handle the emergency,
Ambulance sirens and adrenaline,
This part I think could have done better with more of an emotional description, such as crying, feeling of lose, etc., more than clinging to the metaphoric details.

Now the air has cleared, but I just can't help myself,
Everytime I'm left alone I wander into the recess of my...
It's a decent break, could be made a bit more personal, a bit more original, but it's alright.

It was only three days, but it lives for eternity,
Tense problem here, was/lives.
And how I love you so, I can't help thinking though,
How you didn't love,
Though we're together now, I just hope somehow,
Didn't appreciate the double "though". You got the feeling behind the words, but I think you need to be more precise when choosing your wording.
I can forget things and move on,

Momma said "son, people can be cruel",
"But that's life, you'll learn to live with it",
I kind of liked this bit. It gave this a more personal feeling.
Now the air has cleared, but I just can't help myself,
Everytime I'm left alone I wander into the recess of my...

It was only three days, but it lives for eternity,
And how I love you so, I can't help thinking though,
How you didn't love,
Though we're together now, I just hope somehow,
I can forget things and move on,

"People can be cruel, son" she said,
"Just give as damn good as you get",
Now I've reached inside, I can't run and hide,
Should I face it or give in, like saturday?
I think you should develop more on those quotes, they make this piece far more approachable and just more unique.


Be careful when you choose your wording, try to be original but comfortable. I think you found your voice in it, but you need to work on polishing the message with more care and make a piece more defined in the story you want to tell. There were too many bits and pieces of different metaphors and different characters. Try and focus your ideas and be very clear on what you're trying to say.

Hope this helps.
This is not a pipe
#6
thanks a lot for the help guys i'll take it away and work on it, about the train wreck bit, I just noticed lol, stupid mistake, thanks a lot