#1
a river flows:
it happens every night,
this same sorry sight...
nothing more, nothing less,
what got you in this mess?

a streetlight glows,
and underneath,
a silhouette, a shadow,
an unwanted sorrow;
what got you in this mess?

this reoccuring footage,
a record player stuck,
try to get a foothold,
you're all out of luck.

and it drags on, and on,
over and over,
no one's a victor,
time is the only winner

the river runs on.



started of as a song, could probably end up being a poem once I finish (:
inspired by W H Auden, As I Walked Out One Evening.
Unfinished at the moment; it's 12:27am and I r tired :p

-IJM
#3
Quote by IJM
a river flows:
it happens every night,
this same sorry sight...
nothing more, nothing less,
what got you in this mess?

a streetlight glows,
and underneath,
a silhouette, a shadow,
an unwanted sorrow;
what got you in this mess?
I like this stanza so much better than the first. I like the flow so much better, the style, the wording, great work.

this reoccuring footage,
a record player stuck,
try to get a foothold,
you're all out of luck.

and it drags on, and on,
over and over,
no one's a victor,
time is the only winner
Again, I prefer this passage over the previous one. It's just...better.

the river runs on.



started of as a song, could probably end up being a poem once I finish (:
inspired by W H Auden, As I Walked Out One Evening.
Unfinished at the moment; it's 12:27am and I r tired :p

-IJM


For the most part I like this piece. The 1st and 3rd stanzas need work in my opinion, but that's just stylistic preferences on my part. It was an interesting read, i definitely enjoyed it.

Crit "Out in the Cold" in my sig?