#1
c4c

I’ve spent the past fifteen minutes
trying to come up with cool interesting ways
to describe our situation,
ex-situation and/or failed expectations
here’s what I have so far:
  • a badly rehearsed school play in an end-of-the-year festival
  • a battered tooth you find under your pillow weeks after you went to sleep that night
    hoping the tooth fairy will do her job right
  • a nothing that went as a something to the local teenage BYOB Halloween party
    only to get kicked out for dancing with the host's girl


we walked through many streets
together. practicing our
lines
every smile. kissing on every street corner just as a
lucky car passed by. I was going over my
dialogue while staring into your eyes. I wasn’t sure if it was all an
act or not, but you smiled; so I thought I must be doing
something right. I
kissed you in a dark alley. it was dark enough so that
no one could see us, not even us. I told you we will
always be together and went for it. I winked at the stars
and you held your script tightly behind your back. I drove you to your
house after that and you wished me a good night. I remember
arriving home, lying in bed and
laughing at the thought of fairytales.

next morning we met at a park. it
wasn’t dark, but
felt like it. I was excited when I saw you.
I asked how
everything was. I made a flattering comment about how
sweet those lips looked. you took my hand, I
opened my heart
you smiled and whispered
“trick or treat?”
Last edited by cubs at Jan 20, 2009,
#2
I don't really have much to say critically, though I'm not sure I dig the intro through the bullet list part, it was interesting for sure. The rest of it was really cute, which I think is what you were going for -- and if so, well done.

I mean this isn't a work of art, but it does what it does and it does it well, and I think it's quite jazzy due to it.