#1
kids stuck
underneath
Morrison shelters

this one's half froze
to death,
but at least she's
still alive

first thing
she said -
"some gum, chum?"

and smiled like the sunrise
Last edited by parkt921k at Jan 20, 2009,
#2
My complaint is that you're not being very specific or pointed with your thoughts. The importance of the kids in stanza one isn't fully developed, and you really left me hanging with "Morrison shelters". The relationship between "she" and the kids is also very underdeveloped as well. "First thing" wasn't explained very well. First thing since when?
but at least she's
still alive
Something about the short lines killed this. It just felt so anti-climactic.
she's half froze
to death,
"Froze" not being "frozen" irked me. It was a mix between past and present tenses.
"some gum chum?"
This really needs a comma between "gum" and "chum".

In the end, it's alot of breadcrumbs spaced just too far apart from each other.